2006

January

1/18/2006

Ok, so it been a couple of months since I updated my journal/bog. Well, haven't been in the mood to write in my journal. And nothing much has happen since our move to Alabama. Oh, I guess I can't say that. A lot has happened. We have two dogs. Well one puppy and one almost full grown little dog which things he is the king of the world. And we having pets change your life. We can travel. We have to watch them constantly to keep them from chewing up the furniture and they still do, at least the puppy (which is bigger than almost full grown little dog) chews on every thing he sees. But we wouldn't part with them for the world. We love them both. Even when I have to get up at 3:00AM to let the puppy out and then again at 5:30AM.

Dieter is doing good. His cancer seems to be stable as far as we can tell. He's still can't do much in the yard but putters around a little. He walks around with his little pair of pruning shears and cut weeds and saplings from the flowers beds. And on sunny days sits in the swing or on one of the benches in the garden. He's happy. And of course that's the main thing.

Me, I'll been playing tennis. Sometimes terrible tennis and sometimes very terrible tennis. But I kept plugging away. The high point was when we won the match in double senior league play. After that I went in a skid. I used new a Volkl V1 Quantum racquet that night and thought I had finally found my dream racquet. Then, seems that I could win a match! Every day that I play, no matter who my partner was, my side lost.

So I went from one racket to another (I've accumulated about 14 racquets). Then I bought two more on Ebay (used of course) and thought the Prince Diablo was going to be THE RACQUET. And didn't think much of the old Wilson Hammer 7.3 that I got for $12 dollars. And after hitting against a young black kid at the stadium courts I was sure of it as I was able to handle his pace and dish out some serious topspin back at him. Then in a real game I also liked the Diablo but then on a whim thought to try the Wilson Hammer 7.3 since I had bought it. I fell in loved the the Hammer 7.3. My sever stayed in the box and I had great placement. And I loved it 110 square inch head (96 sq. in. for the Diablo). And now my tennis game has turn the corner, for the presence. Now I am sure there going to be other corner up ahead but at this point in time, I think I'll playing well.

How bad was I playing? I was so bad that I was thinking of quitting. You see I was playing some games against a hard hitting black man (Will) and a solid older man (Charlie) and getting my ask kicked. I was the weak link in our team (my partner is Don who is the King of slice) and they were firing everything in my direction and I was missing shots right and left so often that I was becoming a joke.

I told Dieter that Don as going to quit asking me to play. And the very next day we played a weaker team (Preacher Ron and Jim ,my league play captain) and still lost. Well after the game, Don asked Ron and Jim would they be able to play again next Monday. They said yes. And he turned to me and said. "Pete can you come on Monday?" I said sure. Then Ron asked about Wednesday's game and Don told him that he had enough players for Wednesday. And then Don turn to me and said again. "Pete your are on for next Monday." I felt like someone had knifed me in the back.

I walked back to the clubhouse with Jim and said. "He didn't invite me for Wednesday's or Friday's game. I guess I'm not a good enough player for the teams he has lined up for those days." Jim said. "Hey, you are better off playing with people you have a chance of beating."

So, I didn't go on Wednesday.

Wednesday night I got a call from Jim. "Pete you couldn't be the farthest from the truth." He tells me. "I was at Westgate this morning and Don was waiting for you. He said that he build the 8:30 Club around you."

I was shocked. I sent an email out to Don immediately and apologized for the misunderstanding and told him that since I hadn't been playing very well it just seemed natural that he would drop me as a partner when facing better players.

So, I got my enthusiasm back and started practicing even harder. And now I thing my work has began to show. Today Don and I play Charlie and Jack (74 year old and to die for!!!!) and beat them the first two sets before falling 6 3 in the third set. (I tried to wimp out of playing the third set but Don would let me and now I fee bad about it...but I knew I was going to loose if we had too play another set and we did). But I must say that I really enjoyed meeting Jack. And do look forward to playing with him...or against him some more.

So, my tennis life it back on track, for now. Now long it will stay that way is hard to tell.

Dieter and I are setting down in your new house. But still it doesn't feel like home. It will take a little longer for the Home feeling to come. We seldom go out. There's isn't any Good restaurants in the area, but lots of fair restaurants.

We haven't been to the gay bar, "The Bar" yet. And probably will not be going there any time soon. It would be nice to make some friends, but if we don't that ok too. We have each other and our dogs and are very self contained. And we aren't missing the action in Fort Lauderdale. I not really missing the warmer weather there, at least at this point in time. But let's face it, Dothan, Alabama isn't NORTH. I think the average daytime high temperature in January is 59 F. And at the moment is 42 F and the high on Saturday and Sunday will be in the low 70's. So far the winters haven't been hard to take.

Even when the temps are in the low 40's, playing tennis is nice. Hell, I don't have to wipe the sweat off me every few seconds as I do when it's hot. Ok, it hot in the high 70's or low 80's like it is at this time of year in Fort Lauderdale, but it's warm enough to play tennis and that all I need.

Ok, I guess I've updated what going on with me and Dieter for the moment.

1/26/06 8:31PM

Well just been playing tennis, taking care of the two puppies and Dieter (not necessary in that order although Dieter would disagree with that).

Tennis: Disappointment, that the word to describe my efforts in tennis. Lot of practice, lot of matches and still aren't where I think I should be. Just can't seem to turn the corner and step up to the next level. Recently, I've decided to stop trying to have the perfect stroke and just hit the ball my way where there it's right or wrong. I'm beginning to think that trying to do ground strokes like the pro's is a big mistake. Hey, use senior club player like me isn't ever going to reach even a 4.0 level so why practice perfect grounds strokes hour after hour.

So, I'm going to practice my junk shots...forehand slice, back hand (with out changing from forehand grip) and use those as my main grounds strokes. Hey, tennis hackers win lots of games at the club level. So, I'm going to try to hack my way to success. Oh, I still will practice the perfect topspin forehand and the perfect topspin back hand but not as often. No, I going to junk shot the guys across the net from me into submission. I'm going the throw slices at them, lobs and drop shots until they cry Uncle! I going to just hit the damn ball back any damn way I can without thinking, is this the right from?

Oh, met a new old man at the courts. He plays with us on Wednesdays. His name is J....... and he's a doctor. Damn is he nice looking. He's 74, tall and slim and looks so damn straight that looking at him makes we want to cum. He plays the net like he was born beside it but the rest of his game is ordinary. He has his own clay private tennis court. I haven't asked (hell I haven't said more than ten words to him during the two Wednesday's that I played against him) asked him if he's married, just presumed that he is and is straight as hell. He doesn't seemed inclined to chat with me so I keep my distance, but boy would I like to see him naked (which will never happen). Anyway, he's a good reason to keep playing tennis.

And I certainly would kick the old Baptists minister that I play with out of bed either. He must be in his 70's also. He has a big mouth that could easily swallow my thick dick and suck me dry. No that it's going to happen, but a fellow can dream can't he. And he's hairy as hell. From the package he shows, he's got some nice balls. But the fellow with big balls is the captain of our senior tennis league. He must have some monster balls the what the crotch of his shorts bulge out. Man they must be bull size!

I think my doubles partner might be gay, but nothing is said on the subject. He knows from my comments about Dieter that I'm gay or should if he got a lick of sense. Well, as far as that goes, I'm sure all the guys know that I'm gay. Not one has asked me if I'm married. They ask my doubles partner, but they don't ask me. It's as though they have a don't ask don't tell policy.

The puppies:

Bear is growing. He much bigger than Taz even though Taz is about ten months old where as Bear is only about five months old. Bear is always trying to play with Taz and chase him around the house or yard. Bear's still got his needle sharp baby teeth and he makes Taz squeal from time to time. He get so rough that I have to scold him and swat him on the rear from time to time. But Taz is the boss. When he get enough he lights into Bear and it's the Bear that squeaks. Oh, talking about squeaking, we bought the puppies a squeak toy (a orange doggie). Well Bear took to it immediately after he hear it squeak. The noise frighten Taz (all bark and no bite). It didn't take Bear an hour to figure out how to make the orange doggie squeak. So he will walk around the house with the orange doggie in his mouth and make it squeak while he follows Taz who's trying to hid from the squeaky toy. I finally had to take the orange doggie away from Bear as he was making Taz's life miserable. It like having to retarded kids in the house. But I love them both.

Dieter:

He's happy. His health is stable at the moment. He sleeps a lot. He can't do any yard work and doesn't have much energy. But he's happy. He walks around the yard searching for new flowers emerging from the flower beds. And eagerly shows me them. He loves the dogs. He loves the house and the gardens. And is enjoying the cooler winters here in Alabama. Says we made a good decisions to move up here. I know that my days with him are numbered so I try to enjoy my time with him and see that he's happy.

Well, that's a little up date on my life and times as boring as they must be to most people. But I'm enjoying my days and taking them one at a time.

February

Dieter has to go to Birmingham, Alabama tomorrow to renew his green card. Actually he has to be their at 8:00AM on Tuesday but since it is a four hour drive, he has to go tomorrow (Monday) and stay overnight. I'm concern about him driving four yours straight. He fall asleep so easily at home, just hope he can stay awake during the trip up to Birmingham. And he's had lots of pain in his lower abdomen the past couple of weeks. Some days it was so bad that he was incapacitated. Just hope it doesn't happen when he up there. I'm very concern about the pain. It's quite possible that the cancer has spread to the soft tissue area of his lower abdomen/stomach. I cross my fingers that it's not the case. But let's face it. He reaching the time frame when the melanoma began to spread. Oh, well, there nothing I can do. I just have to make him as happy as possible hope that we have lots of years ahead.

Tennis. Tennis and keeping busy with the yard work is what keep my mine off Dieter's health problems. I'll miss playing tomorrow (Monday). Want to be here to see Dieter off. Will probably go and practice some after he leaves. I'm trying to switch to a two-handed back hand. I tried it when I first started learning to play tennis and couldn't do it. But, I think given some hard practice and time I'm be able to do it this time. Anyway my two handed back hand can't be as bad as my one handed back hand. So, I don't have much to lose and lots to gain.

Some days I play good. And then there's those days when I ask myself "WHY". Why try to improve. Why try to become the best play you can. Why not just play with lesser players and be content. Why try to become a 3.5 player? Why dream of becoming a 4.0 player?

The answer. "It's the only goal I have left." Sometimes it seems as though I've lived too long. Sometimes life seems more of a burden then a joy to embrace. I never realized that growing old meant enduring tragedy after tragedy. Watching a lover die in your arms from a hear attack. Getting a call in the middle of the night to learn that your brother that you were so close to was killed in a motorcycle accident. Making a phone call to a sister who is alone in a hospital a long way away dieing. Finding out that you lover has terminal cancer.

I thought growing old was about getting gray hair and a fine lined weathered face. I've found it's about facing tragedies and losing a little part of yourself with each tragedy that you endure. Now I wished I hadn't wished my life away wanting to be old.

Tennis keeps those thought of past tragedies at bay while I'm on the court. For those few hours a day, I'm almost young and carefree again. So, I keep playing and practicing. I try to keep that one dream alive, for one more day.

Feb. 26, 2006

Winter is coming to an end. That doesn't mean that we will not get a dip in the night temps below the freezing mark. As we probably will get sub 32 F temps a couple nights, but it does mean more 70 F + day time temps and lots of nights in the 50F-40F degree range. Yes, Spring is on it's way to lower Alabama (known locally as L.A.). And it's just in time as I'm missing the warm South Florida weather. Those 70F to 80F degree days and 60F to 50F degree nights. But once you leave a place there usually is no going back. So as much as I love South Florida, I don't know about returning.

Which get me to the point of life after Dieter. I've got to be pragmatic. There is going to be a time without Dieter and I think it is fast approaching. All the snuggling up and silent crying at night as I kiss him on the back of the neck isn't going to stop the spread of his melanoma. I can cry all night an day and still it will not help stop the nights of pain in his lower back and abdomen from getting more frequent and more intense. I fear that the onset of the episodes of pain is signaling the spread of the cancer. Dieter will not go to his cancer doctor and tell him about the pain as he fears that it will only result in another battery of test and scans. I don't blame him. Hell, his cancer doctor here in Dothan was very up front. I'll never forget his first statement to Dieter after he looked at Dieter's medical records and heard Dieter's explanation as to why he was in his office. "What do you want me to do? You have two choices. Go to Birmingham and join a clinical trial or sign up with Hospices!" I told him we weren't ready for either of those choices. The doctor went on to say that he could make money on Dieter treating his cancer aggressively but that he didn't think Dieter should take that course of action. "No, we don't want chemo or anything like that?" I told him. "We want to maintain the quality of life".

"When why are you here?" The doctor asked.

"I want you to monitor me." Was Dieter's response.

Well, I think Dieter has placed that conversation far back into his mind. When he get the back pain he comes up with reason for it. "I haven't exercised enough. I got to start walking around the block." Or. "I must have caught a cold in my stomach."

I always say "yes, I'm sure that the problem." Let me deny what really happening. Let me enjoy how ever long time he has left without thinking every moment that he's dying. Let him have peace of mind. And he is enjoying life. He loves the property we bought. He loves the dogs, Taz and Bear. And he enjoys the cooler weather up here in Alabama. And all the different flowers we have that we didn't have in Fl. But time isn't his friend anymore.

So, I fret. I cry. I get depressed. Luckily when I'm on the tennis court my mind is free of thoughts of his last days. So I practice and play as often as possible. I dive into tennis as thought it were a warm mother embrace that makes a little kid forget for a moment his hurt knee.

But I have my pragmatic moments. What do I do after Dieter? Do I stay in Dothan? Do I try to move back to South Florida? What can I afford to do? Price wise, the real estate values in the condo where we moved from has sky rocked. We sold our condo for $160,000 last August. They are now over $200,000 for the same condo! So doesn't make financial sense to move back down. And what would I do with the two dogs?

Anyway, I don't know if I have the energy to move again. But let face it, I'm not likely to find another lover here in Dothan, Alabama!!! The chance of that happening is about the same as a snow ball in Hell. So, I have to ask myself. Can I live a lone? Do I want to live alone? I never have lived alone before! Lot of choices to make and the time to make them is approaching.

APRIL

Well, guess I missed writing in the blog the entire month of March. Well nothing much happened. Tennis, garden work, tennis and more garden work.

I guess I've been reluctant to write in the blog because I really didn't want to put into words that Dieter is dying. His cancer has spread to his liver and his back. Nothing can be done. Oh, the cancer doctor said he could enroll in one of the cancer experimental studies at one of the universities, but that it wouldn't cure or stop the cancer, or he could enroll in hospics. Both he said were reasonable choices. Well being the the university where the study is over 200 miles away, that's not a viable option. Especially when their little chance of it helping.

He's in pain every day. So far the pain is manageable with Aspirin or Tylenol but it's probably only a matter of time before the pain gets too much for over the canter medication and we have to sign up with hospice. I'm not pushing him enrolling in a hospice program as it will truly signal to him that he's near the end. Now he looking to new year. Well, I hope he has that much time. I don't think he does.

They took scans of him six months ago and didn't find any cancer in his liver or back. The report said there were several spots of cancer in his liver the largest one being 4.4 cm. Well, to me that says that it's aggressive. He'll be lucky to see the end of summer.

Crying! I don't that. Done a lot of that. But when I stop crying the facts haven't changed. I'm going to do everything I can to see that he happy the least months of his live. He actually relatively happy. He's enjoying the new house and the great yard. And loves our two dogs, Bear and Taz.  He reads his magazines in the morning (what time he not sleeping. He is week and sleeps a lot). We have coffee in the garden late in the afternoon with the dogs...they love the cookies more they we do. But still it sits on both of our minds that his days are getting fewer and fewer.

So what will I do? If I were brave enough I would just put a gun to him head and end it all after he dies. But, I think I lack that kind of courage. But do I have the kind of courage it takes to face life without him. I don't know. To sleep in an empty bed. To walk in the garden alone. To live the rest of my life knowing that I'll never see him again. I don't know if I have that kind of courage either.

The chances of me finding a new lover in Alabama is about the same as seeing snow here. Ok, so we get a dusting of snow every five or six years. And I have two dogs to take care of. I guess I could let my sister and her family move in and I could move into the cottage (after fixing it up a bit). Then I would be free to return to South Florida and look around for someone. Or any other part of the country for that matter.

And, being the way I am, I've tested the waters too see if anyone is interested in my in cyberspace. Maybe a few guys out there that I would meet with.

Just don't know what to do.

Live here in Alabama all alone?

Try to move back to Fort Lauderdale?

Move to California?

Move to Mexico?

Oh, well, I guess I've got some time to think about what to do.

4th of July

Been a couple of months since I updated the journal. Well it's time I started making daily entries. You see it getting near the end for Dieter and I think it will be good for me to sit down each day and pour my thoughts and feeling along with the events into the journal.

Dieter's days are numbered. He's in a Hospice program. For you that don't know what a Hospice program is, well it basically for people with a terminal illness that have six months or less to live. Dieter had been in the program now for about a month. But he's doesn't have six months to live. If I were a betting man I would say three months at the best and maybe less. Having said that, you just never know about these things.

Dieter isn't the person he was even two months ago. He has lost a lot of weight. When me moved here he weighted about 190 lbs. he now weighs about 150 lbs. He's almost eats nothing. No longer dinks win, as he can stand the taste of it. He on three different pain medication, one of which is liquid morphine. He has been in tremendous pain but I have his med adjusted so that now he has little or no pain. He sleeps most all day and night.  Maybe sitting up an hour here or an hour there a few times a day. He has little quality of life. He's not too weak to walk in the garden.

Today he's been complaining of blurred vision. Says he can't see the picture on the TV and can hardly read printed material. He thinks he might be going blind. I'll talk with the Hospice nurse about his vision and see what is causing his failing vision. God, it would be horrible if he goes blind at the end of his live.

As he doesn't eat much except fruits, I give him Ensure to help to keep his strength up.

Let me tell you, it's not easy sitting by and watching someone you love die! It's something that I never want to experience again. Until you are in such a situation, you have no idea how difficult it is to endure. If I believed in God, I would pray that he died in his sleep before he gets bedridden and goes blind (if in fact he is losing his eyesight). But since I don't believe in God, any God, I'll leave the praying to others.

His Hospice nurse is Korean. Her name is Ce Ce and she very good. So we feel comfortable with her and knows she will do all she can to keep him pain free during his finally days.

I stopped playing tennis matches with my friends at Westgate Tennis Center because I just can't leave Dieter early in the morning. I have to stay and help him with breakfast and make sure he takes all his pills. He gets confused about his pain medication so I administer all his pain meds myself.

So that's an update. I'll give you a running account of his last days from now on.

July 5th 8:47 PM

Dieter had a good night last night. Meaning he wasn't in pain. I have him pain medication every four yours.  Twice a day he takes Oxycontin which is a very powerful painkiller and four times a day he takes Hydrocodone. Then if he has pain in between I have liquid morphine. With these three drugs I've been able to keep him pain free the last week.

Of course he's not the Dieter of old. Not only is his eyesight fuzzy but also his thinking. He gets confused easily. And those that know him wouldn't recognize him he's lost so must weight. He keep complaining of weakness. I guess that's the cancer interfering with the function of his liver. And he's developing a light yellow skin color which is caused by his liver failing.

But he's in fairly good spirits. The meds help him from getting depressed. My sister has been visiting with here four children but that was getting too much for Dieter so I called the other day and told my sister not to bring the children with her when she came to visit. Dieter made a comment, "You only die once. They should let me do it in peace." And I guess that sums it up. He's wants to be left alone and enjoy calm quiet days as he prepares for the end.

I helped my sister again can tomatoes again today. I think when we finish we will have about 100 quarts. I love home canned tomatoes. And we are also canning some pears from your pear tree. I think we will can about 30 or 40 pints of pears. Like tennis, canning takes my mind off Dieter.

But I must say that it's much easier to deal with his dying when he's not in pain. But boy, was it tough before I got his meds adjusted to see him in such pain. He ate a big mean tonight which was unusual. His appetite comes and goes. In between I give him Ensure to drink.

I will help my sister can again tomorrow. But then I take a day off and go practice tennis Friday morning. Got to keep getting better. I guess when I stop getting better I'll stop playing.

I've thought a lot about moving back to Fort Lauderdale when Dieter is gone. But it still to early to make a decision. Have to see how I feel when I'm all alone.

Ok, that all for now.

July 13  8:05

Eight days since I have written. To you and me eight days are nothing. What is eight days to a dying man? What is eight days to Dieter?

Well all I can say is that when one is in the process of dying and taking lots of pain medication, I don't think that person thinks too much along those lines. They know they are dying but it's a concept that is in the fuzzy distance, not something just around the corner. At least that the sense I get from Dieter.

His vision has improved. He sleeps all but three or four hours a day. He eats very little. We don't talk much, just comments when he's watching TV or asking for something. He can read much as he get tired easily. So he sleeps and sleeps some more.

When he's asleep he looks dead. Like a man in a coffin. Sad. Makes me cry.

But there's nothing I can do.

I kiss him on the forehead many times a day. I tell him I love him.

He's a different person than I knew for the past 23 years. A hull of himself both physically and mentally, but he's still my Dieter. I love him. Death is so cruel. It's so final. A barrier to love.

One of the guys I play tennis with, actually the captain of my league team, called to say he's sorry to hear about my friend's condition. I guess one of the guys from my Wednesday game told him that I couldn't play anymore because Dieter was in a Hospice program and too ill from me to make appoints. Was nice of him. He's a very handsome man. He has huge balls. You can see them bulging from the crotch of his shorts. I would certainly have fun with him if I ever got the chance. And I think that if I ever got him somewhere private, that it just might be possible. Hey, nice that I can be distracted from Dieter's health problems. Anyway, it was very nice for the guy to phone me. Kind of makes me wish I had friends nearby.

I don't know when I stopped acquiring friends? When I lived in Fort Dodge, Iowa I had several friends. In Iowa I had some. In Fort Lauderdale. I had a handful but that number dwindled down to two over the years. Sal and Irwin. When along the way did I become somewhat antisocial? I guess it was when I stopped going out to the bars. I guess it was when Dieter and I broke up for a couple of months. When we got back together seems that we never back with our friends.

Maybe when I'm alone I'll become more social?

I've chatted with a nice guy living in NC for the past year. Even voice chatted with him on yahoo. I love his voice. He's 62 and nice looking. But the chatting got out of hand. So I stopped. Was getting too emotionally involved with him, well with an image of him on the computer. Was like we were getting to be a couple. So, I pulled the plug. I don't want to be emotionally involved with anyone but Dieter at this point in time. He has my full attention. And will have it until the end. After that, then I be ready for someone else.

After that? Well ask me five days in a row to answer that question and I have five different answers. Wish I knew what to do. I'm like a fish floundering for air as I try to shift through my options. When Dieter's gone, for the only the second time in my adult live I will no longer have anyone to guide me. I'll be totally on my own.

Decisions, decisions, there will be many to make.

July 31, 2006 7:27PM

I know I said I would give a running account of Dieter's health problems, but just couldn't do it. Just say he's gotten weaker with each passing day. On Thursday after he talked to his best friend and ex-lover in New York he broke down and cried and told me he was going and for me to be careful. We both had a long cry with me stating over and over again how much I loved him.

Today he slept all day except for about an hour. I doubt if he has two more weeks to live. His blood pressure is dropping and his heat rate is increasing. That one of the little telltale sign that the time might be near. I guess I haven't written because it make me cry to put down the words.

He was a difficult man to live with, but in the in I grew to love him more than life itself. 23 year of him putting up with me and me putting up with him could only happen when two people love each other to the depth of their hearts. I'm never, never going to find someone that will love me as much as Dieter has all these years. Sometime I didn't deserve his love. But it was there and unwavering.

So, it's my task to see that he passes as gently into the night as possible. His days of having quality of life are over. I can only now see that he has no pain and is peaceful in his final days and hours. And I do hope that he doesn't linger longer to become totally bedridden for day on end. He deserves to go to the next world with dignity. I will do my best to see that he in fact does with the help of the Hospice nurse who loves him too.

My, my how does one not stop the tears.

Well some people turn to drugs. Of course I'm always different. I chew tobacco. Red Man! Makes me high as if I were on dope. Funny how sensitive my mind is to nicotine. Makes me as high as if I was smoking pot. So I walk with the dogs in the garden and chew Red Man.

Ok, time for me to give him his pain medication. Later.

08/06/06 Dieter died last night at 9:05 PM! The last five hours of his life was Hell! I'm in shock. It's as though someone ripped a hunk of flesh straight from my heart. If I write anymore I'll just start crying again.

Later,

Pete

Sept. 17 8:57 AM

Well, over a month has passed since Dieter died. Couldn't write about his death before now as the subject was just to emotional raw. Was suicidal for the first month as I just didn't know whether I wanted to go on living without him. But am better now and think I'm out of the woods as far as suicide is concern. Dieter wanted to live so much that it would be an abomination for me to give up my life.

I've worked hard trying to find another lover. No there will never be anyone to replace Dieter, but sure would like a companion to share things with. Trouble is I'm so damn picky. Had a guy come down from NC. Drove over 700 miles to see me and wanted to move in with. Well, I sent him packing the same day. He looked different in person than on webcam (don't trust how people look on webcams or in pictures) and was just to much of a redneck for me. All he wanted to talk about was sex. Look, I enjoy sex but in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom I want normal intelligent conversation.

Then had a nice looking senior from LA what wanted to come visit. But a day before he was to leave LA, I finally realized that he was only interested in sex and cancelled the meeting. I more interested in a companion, friend, that also happens to be my lover than I'm interested is someone for sex.

I also sort of stuck here in Dothan, Alabama. Oh I could sell the house and buy a cheap condo in Sunrise Lakes in Fort Lauderdale, but I have two young dogs and I can't abandon them. Any I live very comfortable here in Dothan. They have tons of tennis courts. The winters are very mild. The summer are hot but so where the in Fort Lauderdale. And I have a wonderful garden to walk in and where I feel very close to Dieter.

I still have Dieter's ashes. Friends are coming down from NYC this coming week and we are going to take his ashes to the ocean and spread them into the blue waters he loved so much. But I think I would some of his ashes spread under the bench in the garden where he and I used to sit and watch the sunset on mild winter days. There I can always go and sit and feel very close to him.

Shit, I'm crying again........had to stop and dry my eyes. Thought I could write this note for you all without breaking down. Guess it's still too early to write about Dieter.

Later,

Pete

11/26/06

Well been almost three months since Dieter's death. I do admit some things are getting easier to deal with over time. Other not as easy. Still can't get used to not having someone to share my life with. Doing every thing alone. I do miss sharing my life with someone I love.

I haven't met anyone. I've tried. Hell yea, I tried. But haven't connect with anyone I've wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life that also wanted me. Was close to a nice guy in a small town north of Chicago. But when he looked finally looked at my website and saw the videos, he flipped out. Oh, well...

I'm selling the house as I have too. Can't keep up the mortgage payment. So when it sells, I probably move back to Fort Lauderdale as I don't see much chance of hooking up with anyone through http://www.silverdaddies. Most of the guys on it are all talk and no action. Whatever...anyone one must look a person in the eyes before they know if he's right for him. When I get to Fort Lauderdale I go to massage school. Get my state license and hopefully make a living giving massages. Losing Dieter's income really hurts and means I'll have have income outside of what I get from the website. Ho, well, that's life.

I have two dogs that I'm not going to be able to take with me. That's sad. But one must do what one must do. Luckily my youngest sister's family will take them in if I build a fence around their back hard. Which I will of course do. They actually found and raised Taz (small but muscular little dog). They found him lost on the bank of the river. And they know and love Bear (Sheppard mix). So that's were my four legged friends are going. Which is good as Taz is so nast to strangers that no one would ever adopt him. Once he gets to know you he's a little baby. And Bear will not let a strange touch him, he's so shy. Take him three days before he'll warm up to anyone. And he's too smart for his own good. He can open almost any gate latch and that which he can't open little Taz can chew through.

How do I feel about getting back to South Florida. I can't weight. Sure I'll have to rent some little dinky studio, but I've never been a materialistic person. Doesn't matter if I live in a shack or a palace and have lived in both. I hope I found a lover in Fort Lauderdale. But nothing is certain. Anyway at least there I'll have a chance. Here I don't.

I'll miss the guys I play tennis with here. They have been very nice to me. And helped me improve my game. Would love to go back and play with the group I used to play with at Wynmoor just to see how much better I am than I was then.

I don't cry much any more when I think of Dieter. I just feel a deep sadness and a feeling of great loss. But, I've decided that I must try to move on.

1/14/07

I have moved to Fort Lauderdale. Sold the house (haven't received the funds as the will hasn't been probated). My youngest sister took the dogs...Bear and Taz. I rented a small apartment near where Dieter and I lived when we first moved down to Fort Lauderdale. On my second visit to Tropics I meet Orestes, a nice Cuban and we have been pretty much together every since. Well not every day as he has a house in Miami and I have an apartment but he come up four nights a week. He's 72 and loves me very much. Well, all I can say is that is wonderful to have someone in love with me. And of course I love him. Not like I loved Dieter but that will come in time.

I am not able to post pictures every day. But I'll try to post two or more sets when I am able. Sorry just too much happening in my life a them moment. When everything settles down then will get back into the routine of posting most every day. You'll just have to bear with me for a while.

I'm back working as a real estate agent at Homefinders  http://flhomefinders.com so if any one is need into to rent or sale I would be glad to help you.

Ok, I'll will try to keep this updated more often. This is just a quick note to let everyone know what happening.

1/15/07

Damn getting to someone new is difficult no matter how much you care for them. Especially after you have been used to the ways of someone else for 23 years. My new friend is PICKY. Picky about what he eats....mostly chicken and fish...picky about his clothes and what I wear. Now I not used to someone telling me I should not wear jeans to go out to lunch with friends (which I knew would be wearing jeans too). Well, I figured it was a good time to let him know that I'll wear what I want to wear (within reason). So I put on the jeans in spite of his silent tantrum. All the way to meet Sal and Irwin we basically road in silence. Hello! Getting adjusted to someone new is a pain in the ass! Ok so he started smiling again and talking when we met with Sal and Irwin and every thing turn out all right. Still, I figured I had to make a point early in the relationship that getting mad like a little kid doesn't get you our way with me. End of story. Ah...I hope!

Now I have to go out to Tropics four times a week. There was a time when I wanted to be in Chardee and Tropics every night of the week. But I was ten years younger and back then I basically had a roaming eye. Now I want to stay a way from the temptations of frequent visits to place where all the hot old men are four deep at the bar. Because I know that sooner or later I'll get into trouble. I'm not having a problem at the moment because I enjoy my little Cuban's  company and attention and do hope that we will be together for years. Still the past seems to always repeat it self so I'll have to be watchful that I don't get lead astray.

I love to cook. But my little old Cuban is such a picky eater that....I'm not going to waste what little cooking talent I have cooking the same thing over and over for him each night. Thank God for Peter Pan, the all night dinner.

Oh, I'm sure I'm just going through the trials and tribulations of a new relationship. But it's not my favorite time in a relationship. I would rather fast forward to where the relationship is as comfortable as slipping on a pair of old shoes, but I guess I'll have to pay my dues to get to that point. And I paying them mostly be going to work with one hell of a hangover from too many Scotch and waters.

And he hates to see nude pictures! So I can't post pictures to the website when him in the apartment. Hell, if he saw some of the pictures I post on the website! Don't even want to thing about it at them moment. I just have to take things slow with him. Let him get adjusted to my website activities a little at the time. My, my that's going to be a bumpy ride!

1/18/07

Am I in love? With my little 72 year old Cuban boyfriend? How do you know when you are in love? I enjoy being with him. Well most of the time. He's so spoiled that he things he must always get his way. He's handsome. Smart. And I'm not going out to look for someone else. Well, I think the answer is yes. Or else I wouldn't put up with him. It's just that after Dieter it's difficult to know if I'm in love with him. You spend 23 years with someone and then suddenly find your self with another person, it takes a lot of getting use to. And there's a culture difference between my Cuban friend and myself.

When I have my moments of doubts about our relationship, I just try to remember how much my little Cuban loves me. But then no one can love me more that Dieter did! So, again it's difficult to compare. What I can say it that when I'm with my Cuban friend, I'm not sad. He's my buffer from the pain of losing Dieter. And if I didn't have him, I would be half wild looking for someone! So in the way that Dieter was the steadying force in my life, so my little old Cuban is becoming that. Well, we've only know each other for a month, so I guess it's way to early to know if we will survive the trials and tribulations of those early months of a relationship.

Tomorrow, I think the two of us are going to meet Sal and Irwin for dinner at Peter Pan and then go to tropics for drinks. Sal hates to go to the bars, but I've been hounding him to take Irwin. Since Irwin stop driving he doesn't have a way to go to Tropics unless Sal takes him. It's sad when someone reaching an age where they are afraid to drive. Sure takes away a lot of their quality of life.

So my Cuban friend will be here tomorrow night when I come home from work. And he'll insist on going to the bar Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. I'll go along with him for now. But I don't see myself going so often in the future, once I get settled down here in Fort Lauderdale. For now he can have his way.

2/10/07

Well, I still haven't completely answered the question of whether I'm really in love. I'm still not sure. I think maybe yes, but then there are problems. He lives in Miami and I liver in Fort Lauderdale. If he doesn't sell his house and move up here by December then I'm going to call it quits. I'm just not going to have a part time lover. And since he doesn't want any of his Cuban friends to know that he's gay, I can't live with him in Miami. So he has to move up here and buy a condo...by the end of the year!

I haven't posted much this week because I had a serious eye problem. I'm blind in my life eye since a BB gun accident and it hasn't been draining properly cause pressure to build up in the eye which sent me to the emergency room on Tuesday. It better now but might need surgery. Anyway will try to post more often.