August

Well a new month is here and this month I'm going to try to write more often in my journal even if it's boring as hell. It's rained in the morning two of the pass three days so I couldn't even practice tennis. I did get to the courts yesterday. W and G. were sitting talking and upon seeing me they invited me to hits some balls with them. I did and my efforts were much better. Not as good as I'm capable of, because of my nerves but still better than the last time. I will get better hitting against them as I become less and less nervous. I should have practiced against the wall and my serve after I finished hitting balls with the two old men, but I wanted to rid hope with G again. so I sat with them and chatted.

When W. got ready to leave he asked if I wanted a ride him. I declined. He left. L (the old man that's sort of looks after the courts) came over and set at your table. The three of us chatted a long time before I finally said I had to go. Well, G said he should go to and asked me if I wanted a lift home. I said yes. I had planned on patting him on the leg just before I got out of the car, but I didn't have the courage. I just patted him on the arm and said thanks for taking me home and hitting with me. I don't know if his wife is still alive or not. He doesn't wear a wedding ring but that doesn't mean anything.

Dieter might go to New York for a week. I'm not going with him. Since I no longer go to bars, New York doesn't have any allure to me anymore. I'll try to put together some shoots while he's away. I'm determined to get some new movies out. I've got this senior that likes to rim. So one of my next movies might be called "Rim Daddy" Should be kinky! But shoots has a way of falling apart so, I'm not counting on it.

There's also a drop dead handsome senior from the west cost of Florida that might do a shoot. Now he is my type! He's so, so handsome. But let's see if it comes to pass. Hey, I'm trying my best to get some new hot videos out. Maybe august will be one of the best months for getting some hot shoots. I've got my fingers crossed! Then again...I might end up having no shoot is at all in August. Such is the nature of this business.

Tuesday 11:17PM

Been busy burning DVD and trying to put some shoots together the past couple of days. Got some planned, but they have a ways of falling apart at the last moment. That's the nature of the game. But I do have some hot men interested in being in my videos. I'm in the need of a couples of hot young studs for a couple of older/younger videos. Been looking but the right ones hasn't come along yet. But, they will.

We seem to be in our rainy seasons. It rained both this morning and this afternoon, so couldn't practice tennis. Oh, well, wasn't meant to be, I guess. But been eating a lot of ice cream and need the exercise. I'm just going to have to stop buying ice cream!!! Seems I have no control when it's in the frig.

Dieter had an appointment with his cancer doctor a couple of days ago and all when well. His cancer seem to be stabilized at this point in time. There is a new tiny black dot on his upper leg, which I presume is cancer but the Dr. didn't make any comment about it. I'll just have to keep an eye on it. Not that's there's anything to be done if it is cancer. Well, I guess they might give him regular chemo or even radiation treatments, but even that, should the cancer flair up, will not do much good. Still, for the moment Dieter is doing great. And he doesn't have to go back to the cancer Dr. for two months.

I had to check my PO Box at the Coral Ridge Mal and of course stopped by the restroom. There was nice tanned man in his 60's sitting at one of the tables across from the entrance to the restroom. He didn't follow me inside, but did speak to me when I emerged. We had a nice chat. Of course he was gay. But, I wasn't in the mood to play the "let's meet sometimes" game. I just chatted a few minutes and then left.

Guess I'm really not looking for sex with anyone. I mean if one of these old men at the gym or tennis court gives me a chance, I'll give them a thrill, but that's about it. The only sex I'll have is when I do a shoot for a video. And it would be nice if I had enough models that I didn't have to appear in any more of my videos, but that's not the case. So, I guess, I'll have to go on being a reluctant participant.

This fall or more likely next Spring, Dieter and I might go across country as I line up senior all over the US to be in my videos. We probably will be driving all the way to Cal. That will be nice since I've never been there. But before we start the trip, I will have to get a laptop to keep my website updated. Would be nice to take a long trip with Dieter and at the same time film several movies. I'm certainly working hard to get the models. Got some lined up in TX, MO, CA, and VA for starters. And by the time spring come around I hope to add several more. Going to be one hot trip!

Ok. Dieter is in bed and time for me to join him.

Thursday 10:27 AM

People are getting tired of reading about my boring life these days. Tennis, tennis and not much else. Well, I getting tired of writing it. Nothing exciting is happening. I not having wild sex. I don't go to the bars any more. Oh, I have four guys coming over for a shoot on Saturday...but that's not enough to write about. Dieter's having chest pains, but that's not going to excite people. People want me to write some hot fiction.

Well, the website has and is changing. And at the moment fiction isn't a big part of it, actually never was. Only about one third of subscriber ever read the stories. Now the website is about videos and streaming videos. My efforts are in making more videos not writing fiction.

And this journal has become a burden. It's boring. I'm boring. My life is boring. So why write about it? Why write about my friends (what few I have) and get them mad? Why? So that some guy can send me a message on icuii and tell me how boring my journal is and how I have to get back to writing hot stories.

Why pour my inter thoughts into a journal?

Hell, I don't see any reason. Will be good to suffer my bouts with self doubt and depress without anyone knowing.

Saturday 8:59AM

I guess I shouldn't let an asshole stop me from finishing a project. And writing this journal is certainly a project. Guess, I saw stopping writing the journal as an easy way out. It's hard to sit down day after day and write in the journal when there's really nothing that you think is worth writing about. But all my life I've had a problem finishing whatever I started. I guess I always take the easy way out. So, stopping writing in the journal was an easy way out and I guess I could tell myself that I had a good reason to stop the journal. Bullshit! If I cared what people thought of me, I never would have started filming the videos. That's not true. I do care about what is said about me. I am very sensitive. And I care a great deal. But I have never let the pain I felt from rejection and scorn stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I never let all the magazine rejections stop me from writing short stories when I was younger. And I never let the rejections from book editors stop me from writing novels. So, I'm not going to stop writing in my private journal. Read it or don't read it, that your choice but don't tell me how to write it and don't try to correct my flawed grammar.

Dieter's been having chest pains the past couple of days. Today he's ok. But I do worry. Seems that's if it's not one thing it's another. Cancer...heart problems...he's had a heart bypass already. He wouldn't go to the doctor. Doesn't want another heart by pass. Hell, he's had about five heart attacks. Lot of damage done to his heart. But he's a tough old bird. He can take a licking and keep on ticking. Hell we had hot sex last night and he didn't have a problem with his heart. Go figure.

Am going to send Dieter off shopping in a few minutes. I have three guys coming over to do a shoot. Nakedwillly, Rimdaddy, and a younger bear (if he shows up). Don't know what I'll call this move. Will have to wait and see what comes out of the shot before I give it a name. Could go either way...a good shoot and a hot video or a so so shoot and a average video.

I'm nervous and grumpy. Dieter can testify to that. People don't know how difficult it is to do a shoot. Especially if I have to perform in it, which I hope I will not have to. They are coming at 10:00 AM and it already 9:21 AM! Hope the lighting is good enough. Hope all three show up. Damn, I hope it's a good shoot.

12:56 PM

Just finished the shoot. The movie will be called Rim Daddy! It features Rim Daddy and Nakedwilly along with me (the top didn't show up). Out of the four people that were suppose to show up only two did...but I think that worked out even better since the other two were younger. And Rimdaddy is some hot senior. He's 63 and brought along his rim seat which both nakedwilly and I took turns sitting on. Talking about a rim job!!! Was heavenly and made for some hot footage. I do think this is the hottest video I'm made. No fake plot just filming hot real sex!

Rim Daddy will be out next week. It is 56 minutes and will sell for $39.95. Will be not be available on streaming video for another 6 weeks. ( http://www.enjoyoldpics.tv shows streaming video. and in spite of the name, isn't my website).

I feel really good about this video...haven't edited it yet, but know it is going to come out hot, hot!

Hopefully will be able to post some pictures from the shoot later today or tomorrow.   

Monday 12:38

Didn't finish editing "Rim Daddy" yesterday. Had problems with the lighting on the shoot. Too much back lighting. Corrected it by adjusting the light and color. Not perfect but will have to do. I think the trickiest part of filming a video is the lighting. I swear that bad lighting will never be a problem in the future. I'm going out this week an investing in some serious lights. But I'm not saying that the video isn't good quality. It just isn't as perfect as "Older Men Take One and Take Two" It is the hottest thing I've filmed so far and that makes up for the slight glitch in the lighting. Anyway, it is what it is. Here some stills from the shoot. http://www.enjoyoldpics.com/mag/rimdaddy.html 

The problem with the lighting had me so depressed that thoughts of suicide even entered my mind. Then I realized that I hadn't taken my dose of Zanax. And took my half of a pill and felt better. But I get so depressed after doing a shoot. Especially if the videos isn't perfect! But most of all I think the depression coming from performing in the videos! I was suppose to have four guys for the shoot. Only two showed up. Luckily it were the most important two. And luckily I got hard enough to fuck nakedwilly. Rim Daddy's ass was just too tight. Maybe next time. But I must admit that I haven't been so excited filming a video as I was during this one. If you never have set in a rim seat and let someone crawl under and tongue fuck you, well, it is an experience.

I'm worried to death about Dieter. He had shortness of breath again last night. Something is coming on with his heart, I fear. Of course he will not go to the doctor. But he's had lots of days with chest pain and shortness of breath before his heart bypass seven years ago so it's nothing strange for him. And the black dot on his leg is getting slightly larger. He says he has others on his torso, but I haven't see them. Maybe he's just imagining them? Hope so.

Well, you can see why I go to the tennis courts. It helps me to forget about Dieter's health problem and bad lighting and every fucking thing else. I went yesterday afternoon knowing that I would have the courts alone. I want to exercise and not gab with the old men. I didn't go this morning for the same reason plus I had to get the stills finished for "Rim Daddy". I'll go this afternoon if the courts are dry enough. It just stopped raining. We are in our rainy season. Rains almost ever afternoon.

Dieter is feeling tired and will sleep all day in his chair while I work on the website. I'm feeling depressed and lonely at the moment. I just don't know what I'll do if something does happens do Dieter. But, hell, he's had these problems before and he's still around to tell the story. So, why shouldn't it be the same this time around. Like I keep saying, he a strong bird and can taking a licking!

I was hoping to do another shoot this week. A very handsome guy from the west cost of Florida was planning on driving over for the shoot, but I sort of doubt it happens now. There's another guy south of Fort Lauderdale that is interested. Will see if anything comes of that. I have an ad coming out in Hot Spots soon. But it's hard getting models. I'm not a big rich website like older4me. I make enough off the videos to keep my website going and produce more videos and little else.

Ok, let's see what this afternoon brings. More rain or some sunshine.

Wednesday 12:55AM

Dieter is feeling better. No chest pain or shortness of breath the past two nights. That's good, but still doesn't solve the problem. Something caused the past couple of episodes. I expect others to follow. Just have to take it one day at a time.

Damn, it hot in the mornings. Takes all I can do to go out and exercise on  the tennis courts. Trying to learn to hit a two handed backhand stroke. Going to take a couple of weeks to get it down so that I can hit it in a game situation. I've been avoiding the old men at the courts. Chatting with them has interfered with my exercise. And at the moment I need exercise to clear my mind.

Haven't gone out to the bars in such a long time that I hardly remember how it feels to go. Maybe next week Dieter and I will go to Tropics for drinks and then out to dinner. I'm sure I haven't missed anything. Unless you looking for a lover or a trick, I don't see much sense in going to bars too often. I guess you can go to bars to socialize, but I don't put much value on bar friends. Anyway, I'm not in a socializing mood these days. I guess, I'm back in my shell. Don't have any desires to have dinner parties or go to any at this point in time. Dieter and I are just enjoying each other's company.

I going to do another video this month. I guess it's going to sound like a self indulgent video, but I have had requests to do a solo video so I'm going to do one. In the video I'll tell stories from my early sexual experiences as I masturbate. Will call it "Four Days With Pete" as it will be shot over four days. Just have to get up enough courage to start shooting. Will be ready soon. It will be good not to have to depend on other for the shoots. Will not have to worry about all the no shows and last minute cancellations.

Will be doing another couple of videos next month. I'm putting an ad in Hot Spots for seniors and bears. I expect to get enough guys for at least a couple of shoots. I know that most of my subscribers aren't into bears in their forties, but there is a market for those types of videos and big guy videos and I plan on taping to that audience. Those videos will be shown in streaming videos on beartv.

So, have lots of plans.

Thursday 9:50AM

My, My, how can some people hate so much? After reading some flaming e-mail directed at me from Seniorloveland, a yahoo group, I found myself asking the question. How does it feel to be one of, if not the, most hated persons in the yahoo groups? Sad. Sad to see that people can actually hate someone so much. I feel sorry for those that have such hatred inside themselves. Seems to me like some kind of mental sickness that is always eating away at them when they see my name. But it's not the hatred directed at me that bothers me, it's the out and out lies these people write. Sure, I spam the groups. It's just good business and I'll kept doing it with the groups that are not monitored as it is allowed by yahoo. But to be called EVIL. To say that I cheat people. Well, I don't think I'm evil in the classic sense of the word. I might do things in my personal life that I shouldn't. You know sleep around. But I don't think I've ever cheated anyone on the website. Sure, I've cancelled subscriptions because people gave their passwords to all their friends. And you buy the passwords for a year...you want to loose them...not write them down...hey, you're all grown up and are responsible. If you think it's safe to let your computer remember your username and passwords . . . well that might cost you your subscription. Anyway, sooner or later you have to learn that you can't trust passwords to your computer.

Hey, one guys actually wrote the group defending me. Wow! That is unusual. That takes guts! I wasn't expecting that. It's days like today that I find myself asking why bother with the website. Just have the free page and forget about the main website. Make my videos and forget about the main website. But, the hatred would still be there. So, I'll just kept doing what I'm doing the way I'm doing it and let the madmen rave.

Rain! It's been raining off and on all day. The two hurricanes aren't coming close to Fort Lauderdale but I guess Charley might be the cause of some of your thunder storms. Dieter and I went to Fort Lauderdale this morning before the rain started. I was glad to see lots of orders for my new video. That helped to blunt the hatred directed at me in seniorloveland. That also means that most people don't believe the lies a few are writing.

Dieter's been feeling good that last couple of days. No chest pains. We are really enjoying each other. I try not to think about tomorrow and live for today. Thinking to far into the future brings thoughts that I don't want to deal with at this point in time.

I didn't get to exercise today and might not until the weather settles down. And let me tell you, I need the exercise or I'm going to start gaining weight...big time.

Ok, let the most hated person on the internet go to bed.

Friday 12:39AM

Got out for a couple of hourse Tennis this morning. All the old men were sitting at the table at the clubhouse. I went over and said hi to G. (one of the three that I sometimes hit the ball with). I touched him on the shoulder as we chatted briefly. W (another one of the three old men I hit with) was sitting at the tale and shook my hand. Was nice to say hello to them. I like G. I know he was married but don't know if he still is. After saying hello, I went off and practiced a new stroke I'm attempting to learn. The double backhand. Didn't do to good, but my serve is coming along.

It's gray and cloudy today and windy. Guess the wind and clouds come from Charley. And I suspect we'll get lots of rain from the weather surrounding the hurricane. But, we shouldn't get any server weather here in the Fort Lauderdale area.

I'm getting pictures for seniors all over the country that are interested in being in one of my videos. And if Dieter is healthy next Spring, I plan on traveling the country shooting scene with some of them. I'll be going from the east coast to the west coast and all in between. I expect to be on the road a month filming videos. Hope to end up with enough material for several new videos and lots of great memories.

Bought new lights for my shoots, so I don't see myself having lighting problems any more. Should have done it a long time ago. But, always thought I could make do with what I had on hand. Have learned my lesson on that point.

Read some more hate mail on seniorloveland. There as some real psycho out there so full of hate that I wonder how they function. I pity them. And the crazy part of it is that most of these people think of themselves as "nice guys" one even calls himself "e-mail this nice guy". He's a local sissy boy (well boy is pushing it and he's getting older and fatter) from Fort Lauderdale and loves to write nasty things about me. I just ignore him when I see him in Tropics. He's of no consequence. Still, it's sad there are people like him sick with hatred.

I only keep writing the journal because I feel that I will let people down if I stop it. There's only a handful of people that read it. Still, I guess those people get some good out of it and it's for them that I continue.

I beginning to think about moving away from south Florida. Once I get enough videos, I don't feel that I have to stay here any longer. Don't know where I would go. Of course my moving would depend on Dieter's health. As long as he healthy and in the picture, I'll probably remain here. But should something happen to him I would seriously think about relocating.

Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently about South Florida. Today is just a bad day for me.

Sunday 10:22 PM

A quiet weekend. I exercised at the tennis courts a bit on Saturday but today it was raining so I didn't even make an effort to go to the courts. Just had a nice quiet day with Dieter. We looked at air fairs to Mexico. We're thinking about going to Mexico for a couple of weeks in early October. I would like to take a nice vacation with Dieter while his health is relatively good. But we haven't made any firm plans at the moment.

I have to mail orders for my new video off tomorrow.

Dieter just went to bed and wants me to join him. He hates to go to bed alone. And, so I'll cut this entry short.

Monday 9:32PM

Got a truly nice e-mail from a wonderful man in CT today. It's really great to know that my website has a very positive affect on some people. Makes me feel good inside and slightly guilty that I don't do a better job with the website. His e-mail really cheered me up.

I shot the first scene in my new solo video today. Tried out my new lighting arrangement and it works very well. I think I have the lighting situation licked. My ad should be coming out in Hot Spots next week and I expect some calls and hopefully some new models. I hope to shoot one or two videos a month. Well, that's my hopes, let see how it plays out. To get back to my solo video. Feels sort of strange doing a video alone, telling about sexual incidents in my past (teen years mostly). Actually, I'm not doing it because I'm egotistic. Some people have asked for such a video and since I can do it, why the hell not. Actually had fun shooting the first scene. Got really excited remembering the first time I sucked Walt's old dick while he was passed out on the porch of the old house. Damn if it wasn't fun. I guess that's the exhibitionist in me.

Of course I had to do the shoot while Dieter was out shopping at Pen Dutch. I had gone to practice tennis knowing that he planned on going shopping. Well, I only practiced an hour and then came back. I figured that he would be gone by then and he was. So I quickly set up the shoot and did it. Got finished and everything back in order before he got home. You see, he doesn't approve of any of my video making. He allows it only because he doesn't know what goes on . . . and I'm not about to tell him. Oh, hell, I sure he has figured it all out, but it like the army's don't ask, don't tell policy.

I'm sort of getting excited planning our trip to Cancun, Mexico. I think from Cancun we'll take a bus to Merida and stay there most of our visit doing side trips from Merida. Wish I could speak Spanish. Dieter speaks a little but understands a lot more. Oh, I'm sure we'll get along fine. I been to Mexico several times usually staying a month or more. Yes, I'm planning the trip but that doesn't mean we'll actually go. I think we will but then it depends on Dieter's health. Anyway sometimes planning things is almost as much fun as actually doing them.

Back to video. My idea of making video has changed. I no longer require all my models to be over 60. I now use bear type of all ages along with seniors or bears having sex with bears. The website that I use to show my videos is linked to other websites that show bear movies, straight movies and other types of movies. So, I now have an audience for any type of movie I want to make. I'm no longer limited to only senior videos. And I do hope that my ad in Hot Spots bring some bears out of the woods. Sure I'm going to keep making as many senior videos as I can, but just not going to limit myself to them any more.

I hear Dieter getting ready to go to bed so I better join him.

Wednesday 10:06 PM

The past two days I've had lunch in Fort Lauderdale. Yesterday with a dear friend of my to talk about making more videos at The Floridian. Today with Sal and Irwin at Hamburger Mary's. Both luncheons were fun. What was interesting was after lunch today. Sal and Erwin had came by our apartment and picked up me and Dieter. Well when Sal and Erwin dropped me and Dieter off at our apartment, Erwin said he had to pee. So Sal just stopped at the entrance near our door and let Erwin out to go into our apartment to pee. I went to unlock the door while Dieter stayed in the car to keep Sal company.

The moment that Erwin and I were inside the apartment, I grabbed his big balls (he was wearing jeans) as we headed to the bathroom. I told him I wanted to watch him piss. Once in the bathroom he pulled his thick cut dick out and I dropped to my knees and started sucking him. Damn, he's got a nice dick. It's not long but it's thick. Then after a few minutes I let go of his dick and pulled my dick out and start masturbating while I watched Erwin taking a piss. Erwin was worried that Dieter might come in, but I told him that he would stay with Sal until we came out.

I pumped my dick while Erwin pissed and watched me jacking off. I got hotter and hotter watching the 80yo Erwin pissing. And when he finished he started jacking his dick. I love watching an older man jacking himself off. Then Erwin could tell that I was about to cum and told me to shoot my load in the sink. I did! I pumped my fat dick a couple more times and then watched as a stream of cum shot into the sink. When I had emptied my load I turned on the water and clean up. Then Erwin and I kissed before going back to the car where Sal and Dieter was waiting. Sal gave me a look, like yea, I know what you did. But Dieter didn't even bat an eye.

It was fun! Sure I shouldn't have done it. But one can't always resist temptation. This was one of those times for me.

Monday 9:30AM

I didn't go practice tennis this morning. Dieter had chest pains all night. He told me this morning. I didn't know as I was sleeping like a baby. I was hoping against hope that his heart problem would just go away. Well, guess that's not going to happen. I'm not worried at the moment as we have gone through these sessions many time in the past 20 years. But it does mean that sooner or later he has to deal with it. Meaning . . . go to the doctor. He doesn't have a doctor's appointment until the middle of next month. I'm not going to push it as I'm afraid that he might not survive open heart surgery again, even if they would perform it on him, him riddled with cancer as he is. So, I'm just going to let him make the decisions.

Dieter and I meet with Rich and Roger on Saturday at Hamburger Mary's. Food was good. The visit with Rich and Roger was less so. Oh, Rich knows how to smooth people, he's a professional at it. So he was his usual self. Still it was awkward. He comes to Fort Lauderdale out of the blue. No e-mail, no phone call and expects what? Sorry, at this stage in my life I not into playing games with anyone.

Roger seemed tense. Could hardly pull a word out of him. Answered question and that's it. Oh, well, it over. Or soon will be. Rich will be back in Iowa and Roger back to his routine, whatever that is and Dieter and I will be here in Wynmoor enjoying each other and oblivious to what going on in their circles of influence. Out of sight, out of mind.

I guess I can stop planning a vacation to Mexico. Can't go with Dieter having heart problems. Still, it was fun planning it. I did go there in my imagination. I go and do lots of things in my imagination.

Dieter just fell asleep at the table behind me while reading the New York Times. I sent him to the living room to his favorite chair. He'll probably sleep there all day as he usually does when he having a bad day.

He'll be alright. Like I said before, we've been through lots of these spells with his heart. But I guess the day or reckoning will be here one of these days. It just will not be today. Hell, he had a heart attack in 1986 and I would have sworn he wouldn't last two years after that. Now it 2004 and he still a ticking in spite of another heart attack, a stroke, and open heart surgery.

What I'm most proud of in my life is that I've made Dieter happy. My leaving him back in 1997 almost killed him and me too. I swore that when we got back together I would make him happy again. Well, I have. He's happier than he's ever been in his life. Getting this condo was the last thing he needed to make him happy. And let me tell you, I worked my ass off the same the money to buy the condo. And I put it in his name. It's his. And he's happy. And what else can one ask for in life. Not many people are truly happy. Dieter is! And that makes me happy too. 

Tuesday 10:18PM

Well, I did practice tennis this morning. Felt I had too. Need to clear my mind. Been thinking of Dieter's health too much and the future. It helped. Dieter was feeling good today. But, his heart problems are going to keep recurring. And that tiny black dot of new cancer on his thigh isn't so tiny any more. I think on Monday we'll take a couple of days vacation and drive down to the Florida Keys all the way to Key West. I don't want to watch any of the Republican Convention! Or even hear what Bush has to say. So, it'll be a nice time to ride down to the Keys.

So, I'm not going to be posting while I on the trip.

I going to cut this entry short. If I keep writing I'll just start writing about my fears about the future and I don't want to sound like a drama queen.

I haven't had time or the privacy to finish my solo video. Can't do it unless Dieter is out shopping and I've been reluctant to allow him to go shopping alone. Oh, well, sooner or later I will get around to finishing it.

I've got some great people interested in being in videos with me. No names at the moment as each time I say so and so is going to do a video with me something happens to screw it up. So mum the word.