February

Sunday 1:30PM 2/01/04

Here we are in a brand new month. Wish I had some juicy entry. But I don't. Nothing more exciting has happen to me since yesterday than the change in the weather. The rain of the past two day stopped and it's brilliant sunshine outside and 80F. So eat your hear out you folks up there that are freezing your asses off in the cold north country. People are out in the pool here and having fun. I think Dieter and will go swimming late this afternoon.

I finally kicked myself in the ass and started writing on the story Snowball again. Funny how I started out writing one type of story and ending up writing something entirely different. That's the beauty of writing. I never know what I'm going to write. Anyway at least I'm writing again and hopefully I'll produce some good stories this week. Really don't know what happened to me. Maybe it was pure and simple just the lack of desire to write. Anyway, I hope I'm back on track.

But then, I don't know what Feb. 4th is going to bring. I might be plunged into despair by the news we get from the cancer doctor (see already forgot what a cancer doctor is call or how to spell it). Then again it might be great news and I'll swore to new highs. Who in hell knows.

I realize the website has become stagnant. Guess that's one of the things that's depressing me. Haven't gotten new guys to take pictures of. I have people that want to be in a new video but I just can't do one until I find out what's going to happen to Dieter. Once that's known then I can make decisions.

I have to make a living. And if it's going to be from the website I have to produce more videos. Subscriptions suck. People aren't renewing their subscriptions in great enough numbers nor are enough new subscriber coming aboard to produce the income that was coming in before palpay dropped my website. That's a fact. So I have to produce more and better videos to make up for the drop in subscriptions.

To make more videos, I have to be willing to travel with my camera and go to the homes of seniors all over the country. But I just can't do that at the moment. But if Dieter's prognoses is going to be bad then, sooner or later I will have to travel since at one point in time I will not have his income combined with mine. If in the future I have to only depend on the website then I'll make changes that I can't make now because Dieter wouldn't approve. Like . . . well I just typed the changes I would make but then why give my competition the heads up. Just say there would be major changes.

Of course I hope that I don't have to make the changes as it would mean that Dieter's no longer in the picture. But I do have to think ahead. I can't sit on my hands and lose everything if something does happen to Dieter. I'm a survivor. And as painful as will might be, I do have to get on with my life in a world without Dieter. But I'm going to need a lot of help from someone I probably haven't even met to get through it.

Damn, I'm rambling on. But these are the thought that go through my mind. And if I loose Dieter, how am I every going to find another lover? Can I live alone? I haven't since I was 22yo. And who in the fuck is going to want me? I think if something happens to Dieter I'm going to be in for a hard time! Hey, but he's still here. So let me push such thoughts from my mind and life for the moment.

And at this moment the sun is shinning, the sky is blue and it's warm outside.

Monday 4:24PM 02/02/04

Didn't go to the gym this morning. First Dieter had to go to the doctor for lab test. Then we went shopping. I bought myself a tennis racket and some tennis balls. Ted from upstairs wants to play tennis with me. He's off to Washington DC for a week as he uncle is on his death bed. When he gets back then we will start playing. But I haven't played tennis in twenty years. So I went to the tennis courts (they have 12) and hit some balls against the wall to get the feel of hitting a tennis balls again. Damn, I was terrible and huffing and puffing in a few minutes and kept hitting the balls completely over the wall. Well, that twenty years of rust. And to complicate things, I blind in my left eye (since my brother shot me in the eye with a bb gun when we were kids) and my depth vision is shit. So, as always I have a handicap to overcome. (so what's new).

After I finished practicing I walked by to the tennis club building. A very nice man was sitting reading a newspaper waiting for his tennis partner. He was decked out in an all white tennis outfit and was as handsome as the devil. I said hello but he didn't respond as I walked by him.

Then I spotted a man and is wife. The man was really good looking. His hair was solid white and he was skinny and strong looking. I would guess his age at about 71. Hell, I don't remember what his wife look like. Any, there is a big chalk board where those wanting to reserve courts write in there names. I was looking it over and the husband came over an started to talk to me. He was drop dead handsome. He asked me if I wanted to play with him and his wife. Well, I'm not fit for primetime yet. So I told him that I hadn't played tennis in twenty years and was just out practicing against the boards. He said that was fine but I should join them. I begged off again as I was already almost completely exhausted. But damn, I do see the potential of meeting some nice people on the tennis courts. You, know my imagination quickly runs away with me and I started fantasying about having sex with the old good looking man and his wife! Of course, it isn't going to happen but I can have fun fantasying about it.

The reason I am taking up tennis is to help me take my mind off Dieter and his cancer. And if the news on Wednesday is bad, well I'm going to need something to keep my mind focused.

I hope to go to the gym tomorrow. I'm having withdrawal systems for not seeing a naked old man in a couple of days. And hopefully tomorrow I'll get my fix in the sauna or in the shower area. Of course, I will tell all.

Tuesday 9:12PM 02/03/04

Finally got to the gym today. J...was in the sauna but with his bathing suit. I would have loved to have seen his big balls. But I did see an old man naked that had a tiny dick but huge balls. He was ugly with a big belly and spindly legs but I would have enjoyed playing with his nice balls. Than there was the old hairy man with the bad leg. I only saw him briefly in the locker room and chatted with him while he was sitting on the bench naked. His body is so hairy, with lots of gray hair, that I would love to spend some time in bed with him. He doesn't have much of a dick or balls, hell his crotch is so hairy that you can only see the head of his cut dick. He's always friendly with me. He always greets me. I wished that he had came into the sauna while I was inside.

I also saw a skinny old man with a long thin dick. He had a white beard. And was so white that I figured that he was just visiting. Also saw another old chubby man in the shower area who kept looking at my dick as he was sitting on the bench putting on his shoes. He said he was visiting for two weeks. I do hope I see him again as they way he was looking at my dick, I would say that he likes to play. And he also was looking at other naked old me too.

This afternoon I practiced hitting the tennis ball against the board again. I was sore from yesterday's effort. Wish I could say that I did better but, if so not very much. It is going to be a long struggle for me to learn to play tennis again. I did see the old couple playing tennis that I saw yesterday. The husband said hello as I passed their court. Maybe when I get better, I play with him.

Well, tomorrow is big day for me and Dieter. We meet with his cancer doctor and hopefully learn how serious his condition is and what can be done. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the doctor will say that it's not life threatening. It's going to be a long day tomorrow but the ending might be very happy.

Wednesday 9:59 02/04/04

Well, today was the big day for Dieter. Actually we had to go to his primary doctor first because his blood sugar was very high. We had to talk to a special diabetic nurse who told him to EAT LESS! and EXERCISE MORE!  The appointment was a 11:00AM and by the time we got out of there, went to check my PO Box, and did some shopping it was 1:30PM. Since Dieter's  appointment with the oncologist wasn't until 3:30PM we went to the Alibi for lunch. I saw several seniors that I use to see often in Chardee's. One kept looking over at me. I never was attracted to him before, but found him very interesting look now. He's slim, but not overly skinny. He's got big bushy eyebrows and short cropped dark hair. I would judge his age as about 72. Looking at his five o'clock shadow on his cheeks,  I would say that he is very hairy. Would love to see him naked, but that will probably never happen.

Finally, with lunch over, we headed to the oncologist. Had to wait over an hour to finally see the doctor. He told Dieter than the melanoma hadn't spread beyond his leg this time. So Dieter recurring melanoma is stages I and II. But he said there were too many spots of cancer to operate (6). He went down a list of treatments that bad side affects and finally came to the last one . . . Temozolomide! It is a type of chemotherapy in pill form. Dieter will take three pills a day for the first five days each four week perios. I tried to ask the doctor what Dieter's prognosis was but didn't get a straight answer. Basically he said take the pills and come back in a month and we'll see how you are reacting. It sounded good. Dieter felt relief and was he a great mood. It was after 5:00PM when we got out of the doctor's office and Dieter said we should go to Tropics for drinks, which we did.

We ran into Alan, a very nice man what we have both known since our early days in Chardee's. Actually Alan's wife had recently passed away when we first met him. Dieter and I with Sal and Irwin sort helped him come out a little. He is really a Hell of a man. I would say he weighs about 200lbs and is about 5'11". He got white hair. I think he interesting looking. He has a huge dick. First I know because I saw him naked when all of us went to Haulover Beach years ago. Second, I had sex with him back then.

Well, I really enjoyed talking to him and Dieter likes him to. So, I'm going to be inviting him to dinner the next time I have guest. I think I could really grow to like him. He's different looking, not handsome. I certainly wouldn't mind have sex with him again. Would love to suck on that big cut dick of his again. And, Hell, I just might do it. Anyway, I going to make an effort for me and Dieter to see more of him.

Now, back to Dieter and his melanoma. I looked up Temozolomide, a form of chemotherapy, on the internet in connection with melanoma. It is usually used to treat stage IV melanoma, especially melanoma in the brain. Dieter's melanoma hasn't spread this time beyond his leg. (the first time it had spread to the right limp nodes in his groin) I'm not convinced that Dieter's prognosis is as good as the doctor's silence seemed to suggest. But I didn't question the doctor too much as he became very defensive and just didn't seem to want to go into anything negative. He was upbeat and seemed to want Dieter upbeat, so I left it at that. But in the back of my mind I just kept saying. "Take a couple of pills and come back next month." Sounds too good to be true. I hope for Dieter's sake it is true.

But one thing seems to be very positive, the cancer, although it came back in 6 spots, doesn't seem to be that aggressive since it didn't spread beyond his leg. So, even if the Temozolomide doesn't work the cancer will hopefully move very slowly. The drug has some side effects but they are suppose to be mild, which is a relief. So, on the surface all seems well! Take some pills and come back next month.

Thursday 9:57PM 02/05/04

Tomorrow Dieter starts taking his oral chemotherapy (I think that is the best way to describe what the medicine is). The side affects of Temozolomide are usually mild but they can be severe in some people. So, I'm hoping that it will not be a repeat of when he took interferon (are something like that) that almost killed him. Now, when I hear the price of Temozolomide $2,000 for fifteen pills (Dieter insurance covers 80% of the price) well, it comes back to my mind that medicine is big business, doctors are doctors so that they can make money!!! Do they get a nice kick back when they subscribe an expensive drug like Temozolomide? Will the pills help? Take a couple of pills and come back in a month.

Friday 9:01PM 02/06/04

Took the entry link off the sample page. Interesting how many subscriber didn't follow instruction and bookmark the URL I send them with their passwords. I instructed them to use it for entry into the website. In one ear out the other. So when I removed the entry link from the sample page they thought something was wrong with the website. I think some don't even know what bookmarking a website means. Guess they belong to the same crowd that keeps clicking on mail attachments from people they don't know and are the ones that spread computer viruses. I think it's about time people with computer learn a little about their computers for everyone's sake. It is really irresponsible to open an attachment from someone you don't know. If it weren't for people doing it most computer viruses wouldn't even get started.

OK, that's the lecture for today.

Didn't get to go to the gym. Damn! Had to spend all morning burning DVD's so that I could get them in the mail today.  And yes, I did stop by the bathroom at Coral Ridge Mall. But its so crowded with old men that you can hardly take a piss. I did see an old man with a walking stick pissing. He had a tiny dick and he was stone old but he did get a thrill out of seeing me briefly flash my dick. There was another very handsome old man with white hair waiting to get his turn. I would have loved to have stayed and seen his dick but there were just too many old men waiting to piss.

I don't believe how busy the Carol Ridge Bathroom has become. There's more old men there every time I go. Used to be that you could get a blow job or suck a dick off in there but not with all the damn snowbirds around. Be glad when they go home and things quiet down. Summer is nicer here than in the winter. Less people. Less traffic. The regulars come out and play. Same with the bars. And if I'm looking for a lover, I don't want to fall for some guy that lives in New York. I want to meet local people. (not that I'm in the market, but if I were)

Today was beautiful. OK, we did get a brief shower this morning but it was 80F this afternoon and wonderful. God! I've almost forgotten what snow looks like. And no I don't want to see any!

I did some more research on melanoma and the drug that Dieter is taking. Dieter came by the computer and wanted to read some of articles that I found, but I wouldn't let him. I've decided to do like I think the Doctor is doing and be upbeat and say that yes everything will be fine if you take you medication. But, I don't see everything as being fine. Recurring melanoma is very resistant. I think it is only a matter of time before it spreads to some of his organs. But I'm not going to tell him what my reading seems to indicate. As long as he's not in pain and thinking that everything is going to be all right I'm going to let him believe that. I think that by not saying much that the doctor was actually saying a lot. He knows the facts that recurring melanoma is most always fatal. And that drugs might in some people slow the process down but that there is no cure! That there's no cure for recurring melanoma is a fact! So, it seems that what ever I think is clouded with that thought followed by how long does he have?

So, I'm going to be upbeat . . .

OK, so it's not going to be that easy. He took his first dose of the Temozolomide today. So we'll off and running. Let's see how it affects him.

I'm very vulnerable at the moment to falling in love with someone. I'll have to watch myself. Because when I see the possibility that Dieter might not be in my life I find myself longing for someone to turn to. Strange. I guess it's a defensive behavior triggered by the fear of being left alone. I've gone through being alone briefly when Frank died of a hear attack in 1983. It was terrible, even though it was only about ten days later that I met Dieter. So if someone nice made overtures to me at the moment, I would certainly be vulnerable. Yes, I've got to watch myself and not get involved with anyone.

Damn, all I'm doing is writing depressing stuff. Have got Dieter half in the ground already! Lighten up, Pete.

My mind has been drifting to what kind of person I would be attracted to? Looks isn't as important as it once was for me. I know I can love someone ugly as they guy that I left Dieter for briefly was no beauty. Romantic. Yes, I'm a sucker for someone romantic. Intelligent! Now that is important. Big dick, little dick, big balls, little balls, hairy, smooth, skinny, chubby doesn't matter. I think that the most important think in a person is that he needs me. He's got to need the affection I can give. He's got to need the humor I'm filled with. He got to be a lonely person for me to be interested in him. I'm not interested in some person that has everything and is happy. If he's already happy, how can I make him happy? It's the lonely people that I am attracted to and need.

Sunday 8:03 02/08/04

Finally got to the gym late Saturday morning. L.... the skinny old man (late 80's) who forgets which locker he puts his gym bag in was there. I watched him through the glass door of the sauna while he was searching for his gym. He might be old and getting feeble but he stills has a nice dick. I keep wondering if he can get a hard on or cum? Would love to try to get him off. Also, I saw the guy I dislike, B... But I talked with him in the sauna and my first impression was wrong about him. He doesn't avoid me. He's short and round and not handsome or even very old looking. Certainly not my type. He's always wears his bathing suit in the sauna and with good reason, he has a very small dick and small balls. Still, I enjoyed talking to him. And while we were chatting another old man with a horse face and a nice dick and some very low hanging balls came in. The horse faced old man kept talking about his girlfriends. To me that's always a signal that someone it gay. Then I heard that he had been a hair dresser in New York City. He did seem to be looking at my dick. Well, some day I'm going to make contact. Of course all of these guys had cut dicks and were Jewish.

I did finish the story I've been working on earlier this week. Snowballs it's called. It wasn't the story I started out to write. But then, that's the way it goes in life too. You start out to do something and sometimes end up doing something entirely different. My writing is like that.

Today I practiced tennis. Well, I just hit the ball against the boards and practiced serving. I sucked at both. God, I hate it when I'm not good at something. But, I'm always willing to put in the time and effort to become as good as it can be. Which, sometimes still isn't very good. But then isn't that all you can ask of yourself, to become as good at something as you can be?

The oral chemotherapy drug that Dieter's taking so far hasn't caused him any side affects. He's got three more days to go on it then he doesn't take it for four weeks. Then it's five days on again. I searched melanoma for hours again today on the computer. It's very difficult to evaluate the information one finds on the net about melanoma. Sometimes it more confusing than helpful. But I do learn tidbits here and there. It's like putting a jigsaw puzzle together. It's very depressing reading. But I feel that I have to try to predict what's going to happen with his cancer as it's my life too and I've got to know what's coming. I want to be prepared. That's the way you survive.

I hope to get to the gym tomorrow. Certainly will make an effort. But I do have to burn more DVD's for shipping out on Tuesday. Hey, we had a cold spell today. The temperature got down to 48F last night and only up to 66F today. It was nice practicing tennis in such nice cool weather. At the moment it is 63F and will get up to 78F tomorrow. Just a little one day cold spell. I hear it damn cold and nasty up north. I would really have to be in love with someone a lot to move back up into snow country. But, you know, if something happened to Dieter and the right guy came along, I would follow him anywhere.

But right now, I'm enjoying Dieter and  the South Florida Weather and it's lifestyle to the fullest.

Tuesday 11:29PM 02/10/04

Got to the gym yesterday and got my fix of seeing old dick. L... (can't find his gym bag) was there, J.... (wears bathing suit and then come in naked) with the big balls (he's chubby with a mustache) and nice dick head was there. Also the guy that collects for a children hospital out side of a nearby Jewish deli (has huge low ganging balls) was there as was S.... the hairy old man with the bad leg and such a hairy crouch that you can hardly see his dick and balls was there. And all in the sauna at the same time. Was quite a sight. But I think I'll have to start going at a different time so that I see new people.

Again, I forgot to take my camera to the outdoor market to take pictures of the swap shop on 441 in Margate. Dieter and I went there to buy our fruits and vegetables today. I bought some of the sweetest oranges that I've had in years. Not the shit you buy in the groceries stories! Yes, even here in south Florida the oranges they sell in the supermarket are god awful!

After we got back from shopping I went to the tennis courts and was going to hit some balls against the boards but an old man was practicing his serve in the court where the board is. I moved down two courts and started practicing my serve and the old man came over after a while and asked if I wanted to hit a few balls with him. I agreed.

Damn was I bad (he was only a little better) but the old man, M... (he's tall and slim and looked about 70yo) was in better shape than me. I was huffing and puffing and final got a cramp in my the calf of my leg after about thirty minutes of batting the ball back and forth. I had to stop. Then as we set talking talking he said he wasn't married but lived with his girlfriend here in the complex but when they go back up north for the summer each goes to their on homes. I thought that was strange. He asked if I was married and I said no that I bought a place with my friend. Later, I made sure that he knew that my friend was a man. I think he caught on that I was gay without me coming out and saying so. He told me that if I spotted him practicing again to stop by and we would hit some balls again. Ok, I'll do that and maybe get to play with some balls too. You never know?

I had to go to my PO Box this afternoon and also mail some DVD's. Dieter didn't go so I had plenty of time to check out the restroom in the Coral Ridge Mall. There was an old chubby man at the urinal playing with his short dick when I walked up to the other urinal. I watched him jacking his little short dick and of course played with mine. He wasn't my type, but he was old and I enjoyed watching him playing with himself. Then another tall old man, he looked to be in his mid-70's, came in.

I turned to look at him and instantly could sense that he was straight. Well, I just turn round enough that the old straight man could see my big hard dick and played with it while he tried hard not to look at my dick, but just couldn't keep himself from glancing at it. I really got a thrill at waving my thick dick back and forth for him to see. But I finally moved out of the way and let him use the urinal. He turned to the side so that neither me or the chubby old man at the next urinal couldn't see his dick.

I kept my dick out the entire time as I stood behind him. Then he finished he wash his hands and I was standing to the side in plain sight of him playing with my dick. The old man took his time and used the blower to dry his hands before leaving the restroom. He couldn't help but see me playing with my dick! Hell, showing my dick to the old straight man was more fun that watching the chubby old gay man playing with his dick. OK, so I went back to the urinal and let the chubby old man play with me while I played with him for a couple of minutes. But then some young guy came in and I left. It was fun. There's no place as good for meeting horny old men as the restroom at the Coral Ridge Mall! It rocks!

Ted (from upstairs) is back from Washington and I'm going to play some tennis with him tomorrow morning at 9:30AM. I think we are just going to hit the balls back and forth instead of actually playing a real game. I'm not yet ready for prime time and maybe never will be again. But at least we'll get some exercise. OK, got to put my tired, aching body to bed.

Thursday 3:16PM 02/12/04

Dieter took his last dose of the oral chemotherapy drug yesterday until he starts the cycle all over in four weeks. He still didn't feel an side effects. But last night we when over to Sal and Erwin's for dinner (Sal cooked some great spaghetti sauce with homemade meat balls and served them over stuffed raviolis. It was some great Italian cooking) and after dinner Dieter started getting extremely tired. By the time we got home he had chills and promptly went to bed. So I guess the side effects kick in after the series of pills are finished. Today he's slept almost all day. We are suppose to meet Joachim at Tropics and go out to dinner with him. Don't know if Dieter is going to feel like going out. We'll see in an hour or two how he feels.

I haven't gone to the gym the past two days as I been playing tennis with Ted. He looks younger than he is. Ted is 58yo and a skinny little guy that is running my ass ragged on the tennis court. I have no sexual interest in him, but he is a Hell of a guy as he's always upbeat and cheerful. He's in better shape than I am and it shows on the tennis courts. Maybe I'll do better when I get a few of these excess pounds off. I sure am enjoying playing tennis with him as when I'm on the court, tennis is the only thing on my mind. But my body is aching everywhere. My knees are shot so it a good thing Ted has something else to do tomorrow. Good, I try to get to the gym and spy on some of the naked old men.

Dieter has another spot on his upper inner thigh right next to his balls. I don't know if it just an irritation or another out break of melanoma. I'm hoping it's just an irritation as it would be a bad spot for another nodule of cancer. But him being sick last night reminded me of how sick he got taking the interferon. And is a wake up call of what might be coming down the pipe line. Just hope the Temozolomide works and slows down the advancement of his melanoma. If not things could get ugly quickly. But I'm hoping for the best.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch at the Alibi with a very nice man that I think highly of. I look forward to meeting him again. He enjoys my website. And we want to get to know each other better. No, it's not a sexual think, although I do find him very sexually attractive. He likes older slim men and baby when I look in the mirror what stairs back at me can't be called slim!

I used to be very focused on that type of person that I liked. But I'm not so much any more. I learned to see what's on the inside of a person a little more. The type of people that I am attracted has widened.

Dieter called me in to the bedroom saying that the new spot in his groin area was bleeding. I looked at the spot. I don't know. I told him he should make an appointment with his doctor. It looks to me like it might be an ulcerated spot of melanoma, but maybe I just got melanoma on my mind. It will certainly be a bad sign if that's what it is.

OK, I got to hit the shower.

Friday 8:31PM 02/13/04

Well today is Friday the 13th and it was an unlucky day for me, but one of the nicest days I've had in a long time. Today was a lucky day for Dieter. He went to the doctor and found that the problem with a spot in his groin area was only something minor that's the result of the oral chemotherapy drug he's taking. That's a relief for the both of us.

While Dieter was at the doctor's and then shopping at Home Depot, I was having lunch with a really wonderful man. (we were discussing my website) He has it all. Charm, good looks, intelligence and a big dick (not that I've seen it) and is just a really nice person. Hell, I just had the biggest problem posting today's pictures because my thoughts was on him so much so that I kept making mistakes. That this wonderful man wants to be my friend brings tears to my eyes. I mean, why should someone so nice as him want to be my friend? Just sitting beside him and chatting with him was one of the finest, romantic moment I have experienced.

So, how am I so unlucky? Well, there will never be anything but a friendship between us. I might enjoy being with him, looking into his twinkling dark eyes and soaking up his smile, but I'll never make love to this man. I'll never know what it feels like to kiss him and hug him in bed and never have wonderful wild sex with him. I never hear the golden words "I love you" roll from his fine lips. Why? Simple, I'm not his type. So, yes, today Friday 13th was a very unlucky day for me.

We will only be friends. Yet, I'll settle for that. And I'll never make a pass at him. I've told him how I feel but it's the one and only time I'll speak of my feeling toward him. When I see him I'll have a special feeling inside that will warm me. I'll enjoy being in his company but will keep my distance least he thinks I'm trying to intrude.

What a wonderful day it was!

Life goes on . . .

Bought a pair of tennis shoes today. The shoes I was using had no padding and my knees feels like they are shot! God, I'm going to have to throw myself into tennis. So many things to keep from thinking about. I just hope my knees and legs hold up. But I'm kind of encouraged about Dieter's health. And he's so happy. I do want to keep him that way. And I wouldn't do anything no matter how much I wanted to that would make him unhappy. He depends on me and I'll always be there for him. I let him down once and I'll never do it again.

Tomorrow our building go to Gibby's Steak House off Oakland Park (near the intersection of Dixie Highway) for dinner. It's probably going to be boring as hell, but the food should be great. Hopefully Dieter and I will sit at a table with Ted so that's we'll at least have someone interesting to talk to. Then on Monday night the US (under seventy) club has a potluck dinner (that will be even more boring but we feel that we should go). Dieter and I haven't been this active in years.

Well, guess I had better wrap it up for the night. I know who I'll be dreaming of tonight. Hope you have someone to dream about too.

Saturday 9:29PM 02/14/04

You know how you sit around thinking about the "good old days". I think one of these day in the future I'll be counting these days at Wynmoor as the "good old days". Dieter and I are really enjoying ourselves. And I'm going to take each day one at a time and enjoy it. Today was nice. I went out practicing tennis alone hoping to improve a little bit more before I play with Ted tomorrow. (as I said I don't like it when someone is better at something than I am). And then me and Dieter went to the Valentines Day lunch at Gibby's. It was corny but nice. Our building it the most social in the complex and we have some very nice people. So, it's fun to share some moments with our neighbors in our building, even if it is a little boring.

Haven't been to the gym for days. Will have to start going in the afternoon if I am going to play tennis in the mornings. That way I should see some different old men naked in the locker room.

Ted has two older friends coming for a month or so. I think well end up playing doubles tennis with them. Could be fun. I never played doubles before. And of course my imagination already has the two old friend of Ted as drop dead handsome old men! Hey, that's why we have imaginations for, so I use my to the fullest.

Sometimes what I write in my journal offends people. Well, I have to write my journal uncensored. And let's face it, you sometime have thoughts about even your best friend that you wouldn't want him to know. Reading my journal is like looking into my mind. It's not always going to be pretty, but I hope that taken as a whole that it doesn't make me out to be such a bad guy. And if it doesn't . . . what you see is what you get.

I don't think I'll make any new movies until late spring. Richard is coming back for a visit on Feb. 23 until March 11th. Then my sister is driving down my two nephews for a week to ten days. Dieter and I will have to drive them back to Alabama. So it going to be April by them. So, maybe in April, I finally get around to finishing "Pete's Kinky Old Men". Of course then it depends on how Dieter feels. I can't kick him out of the apartment while I shooting a video if he's not feeling good. So will play it by ear.

If I had an older man that could really fuck on camera, then I would shout a video sooner. I've got enough bottoms and some very good ones at that but no tops! And I don't want to do younger and older. I want my videos to remain older and older! If I could travel I could make some nice one with guys that have contacted me but can't get down to Fort Lauderdale. But I can't travel to them as Dieter wouldn't allow it.

Also, I have to start writing some new stories. Am getting in the writing mood again. Hopefully will write one next week. About 1/3 of the subscribers read the stories. That's pretty good. The rest are only interested in pictures.

Well, what is the coming week going to bring? Stay tuned.

Monday 9:40PM 02/16/04

Wasn't anything to write about Sunday. It was a rainy day, but did get out to practice tennis later in the day, just after the sun came out. Other than that, it was a lazy day, except for burning DVD's.

This morning Ted and I played tennis. Well we practiced. We haven't gotten to the stage for actually playing a game. But we're getting better. It's a hell of a lot of fun. But my legs and knees are so sore I can hardly walk. I guess I'm getting old. But I going to try to get in shape one more time. I am going to start going to the gym in the afternoon. I think that way I'll see some new old men.

Tonight the US club (under seventy but most people are over seventy) had a pot luck. I brought an apple pie. No I didn't bake it. I bought it from Costco. Hell, I couldn't bake one that looked any better and I doubt that I could bake one that tasted better. I also brought wine for our table and the table next to us (Bernie, my next door neighbor and his wife May was sitting there). I actually bought six bottles of wine but May said I should only give our two tables wine. Hell there were over 100 people so I couldn't offer it to everyone.

And, so our table and May's (I really like her. She is so nice to me and Dieter) table had wine.  I drank too much and am now "two sheets to the wind" but it was fun. The table Dieter and I was at was almost all old single women and it's the same people we sit with each time. Me and Dieter had a wonderful time. The women were all so nice to us. I really enjoyed the old lady that I set beside. Her sister lives in our building. The old lady is moving back to Canada in April to live near here children so I going to have her and her sister with another couple of the women over for a farewell dinner for her in April. It should be fun. I really had a ball. And you should have seen Dieter when he got up and danced with the belly dancers that were booked as entertainment. He was a hoot! Everyone at out table and May's was laughing at him. And I told everyone at our table that I didn't know him! He had a wonderful time.

So, I didn't see any naked old men, but I still had a wonderful day. God, life it good here! I just love loving here. I don't envy those people in there high rise expensive apartments near the beach. I love it here! It's so nice and quite and my neighbors are so pleasant. I couldn't think of living anywhere else. I don't need to be near the bars and all the congestion of Fort Lauderdale. Living here is almost like living in the country. Give me a good man and I'll stay home with him over going out to the bars.

Tuesday 8:46PM 02/17/04

God, I felt like shit this morning. I'm not a real big drinker and over did it last night at the US party. Paid for it dearly today. I was like one of the walking dead playing tennis. Luckily, Ted wasn't much better. I do hope to do better tomorrow. Later after lunch, Ted came down and the three of us went to the Swap Shop on 441. Again, I forgot my camera. Damn, it's so colorful that I want to take pictures and put them in my journal. Ok, will try again next time.

This afternoon I finally got to the gym. And yes I can two old man naked that I hadn't seen before. I was sitting in the sauna and watched a really grandfatherly old man dressing. He had a short cut dick with a big head and a large set of tight balls. He could me staring at him and that made it ever more fun.

The second old man is from the Antigua 2504. I know him because the first two week I was here I parked my car in the guest parking for 2504 because they have more guest spots than our building. Well there is a shaded guest spot over at their building and I started parking in the spot whenever it was free. It turned out that it was this old Polish man's favorite parking spot. So one day I noticed that someone had half scraped off my bar code that opens the entrance gate. It had to have been him. And one day we parked at the same time. He parked in the shady spot and I parked next to him. The old man wouldn't even look at me as I got out of the my car. But as I walked away, I looked back at him and he had stopped and was looking at me. I nodded my head at him and said "Yes I know". I'm sure he realized that I was talking about the parking bar code.

Well I didn't realize that the old man in the sauna was the same old man until I left the gym and saw him get into his car. But, in the gym, he completely ignored me and talked with another old man, B... (always wear his bathing suit) the one I used to dislike but now like. The old Polish man was saying that the new Mel Gibson movie was an attack on "our people" and B... was saying that he would wait until he saw the movie before he passed judgment. I could sense the hate and anger in the old Polish man as he talked against the movie saying that it was blaming the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, B..., who is also Jewish, reminded the old man that Jesus was also a Jew.

I kept out of the discussion. The old Polish man was wearing his towel wrapped around him. They both left the sauna and later the old Polish man came back to dry off in the sauna. He had some big low hanging balls and a large dick. I forgive him complete for scraping some of my bar code off. I hope I get another look at the nasty old Polish man's dick. I don't think he he'll every be nice to me, and some of it will be me not being Jewish. But that's life.

Wednesday 9:50PM 02/18/04

Damn it was cold and windy this morning. The temp was 47 when I go up. Just before 9:00Am the phone rang. I told Dieter "that Ted calling". Sure enough it was. He said there's no way I'm going to play tennis this morning. It's too cold out. I called him a wimp and laughed, but the truth was that it was just too cool to be out in the wind. So after breakfast I went to the gym instead. R... the hairy old man with the bad leg came in the sauna shortly after I went in. We chatted and ever so often he would rub his belly and flip his dick and balls. And each time he did that I would tug on my foreskin as I stared at his dick. And, there's no way the old man doesn't see me staring at his dick.

Then a old man about 60 came in. He was Italian looking with dark hair over his body. His dick as almost invisible it was recessed so far back. He did have a big set of hairy balls. And he too touched his dick a couple of time finally causing his little peter to peek out. He was a very good looking old man. I would have love to seen how big his little dick would get while I was sucking on it!!! But back to S.... He's got to know that I'm admiring his dick! I mean I stare at it each time he touches it and even when he's not touching it. He has to know what I'm doing. And he's still friendly. He always speaks first to me when he sees me. I really like him. But I don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of even sucking his short, big headed dick. Still I can enjoy looking at the old man's dick.

This afternoon it had warmed up into the 60's so I went out alone and practiced tennis. I wasn't very good but did get some work in on my serve. I guess soon Ted and I will finally start to play some real games.

Tomorrow, me and Dieter are going to meet the nice guy I had dinner with last Friday. I'm nervous about it. I like the guy very much and hope things go well. Just hope he and Dieter hits it off. Time will tell and life will go on either way. Both me and Dieter have turned into stay at home people and the nice guy we are meeting is use to going out often. It is a major effort for us to go out for dinner, to him it's a daily occurrence. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday 9:55PM 02/19/04

This morning I went to the dermatologist with Dieter. He told us more than the cancer doctor. He agreed that there was no use operating on the spots of melanoma. "Chasing after ever one that shows up doesn't do any good." He told us. He said that chemotherapy doesn't usually work with melanoma. That the drug that dieter is taking has 20% or less chance of slowing down the spread of the melanoma but that he should take it as long as he's not encountering any side effects. He said even if more spots appear that the drug that Dieter is taking still might be slowing it down.  He said that there was nothing else that could be done. That with or without the drug (temozolomide) that Dieter is talking, the cancer is going to spread, it's just a mater of when and how fast. We can only hope that it will be years down the road.

After we got back from the doctor's I went to the gym. The hairy guy with the little dick (60yo) was already in the sauna. He is real cute. I love his hairy body and his big balls and even his little dick. His name is David. He and his wife is visiting his sister and will be down until next Tuesday. So I hope to see him in the sauna tomorrow. J... the chubby old man (one that wears his bathing suite first and then come in naked the second time) came in the sauna. I do enjoy looking at his big dick head sitting atop of his big balls. He talks to me and I really enjoy chatting with him. He's a nice old man. S... (hairy, bad leg) came into the sauna but only to change into his shorts. I would have loved to have been alone with him in the sauna again like I was yesterday. Still I had fun with David and J...

Later this afternoon I went out to practice tennis. Wish I could report that I'm getting better. At least my legs aren't hurting as much as before. I'm trying.

Tonight Dieter and I was invited by G.... ( the nice man I've had lunch with a couple of times and really, really like). We went to his apartment on Las Olas for drinks and then to the Hi-Life Cafe for dinner. I was worried that he and Dieter wouldn't get along, but they hit if off. Dieter really enjoyed G.... and I think G... enjoyed Dieter. I had a wonderful time! I do like G... I kept saying it over and over again but I do so because it's true. He's a very nice man. And I really enjoyed the evening as did Dieter. I'm going to have him over hopefully next week for dinner. I will have to see when Sal and Ervin can come over as G... wants to meet them. I think it will be fun having him over to the apartment.

So, I don't know how your day went, but Dieter and I both enjoyed our day.

Saturday 4:00PM 02/20/04

I had to go to Fort Lauderdale Friday and I stopped by the Coral Ridge Mall. A nice hairy armed man about 60 with blue eyes and gray hair was standing at the urinal playing with his dick. Of course I started playing with mine as I watched his extremely hairy arms moved as he jacked his short cut dick. I loved the long gray hair on his deep tanned arms and those blue eyes were to die for. People kept coming and going but finally we found yourself alone and he grabbed my fat dick and I grabbed his little cut cock and we started jacking each other. Then I leaned over and took his nice little dick in my mouth and of course someone walked in. We flew apart and played like we were pissing.

Outside I bought a cup of coffee and took a seat at one of the table on the opposite wall from the bathroom. The old man came and set with me. He's married and loves to have his dick sucked. Says he usually come to the Mall around 10:00AM before it gets too busy. He said he would be there next Wednesday and I said I would try to be there (of course I will not be able to make it but if some of you are looking for a nice hairy gray haired old man . . . he likes younger . . . then go for it.)

Didn't go to the gym Friday or today. I played tennis with Ted this morning and was planning to go to the gym this afternoon. Dieter when to grocery store and I was taking a nap on the yellow sofa when someone knock on the door. It was A..... from upstairs. He said that since we didn't come up to visit him he came down to visit us. Well I was shocked. I invited him in of course. I was in my red shorts and a red T-shirt. He was wearing long pants. I think he came down because his son was suppose to visit him and called to say he wasn't coming and the old man felt lonely.

Well here was my chance to expose myself to him, me being in a pair of loose legged shorts with no under wear on. But as I sit there talking to him, I couldn't bring myself to start anything. And good think because Dieter came home moment later.

We sat and talked to the old man, him going over stories that he had told us before. But one think he said that caught my attention. He said that some of the people asked him why he was friends with Dieter being that Dieter is German. A . . . said he told them so what. We both come from the same town in German. What do I care if he's German and I Jewish!

I had figured that there might be some resentment in the building against Dieter because he's German. And A...'s words reinforced what I had believed. But I think it is a very few people that feel that way. Hell, Dieter was only 5 or 6 years old during the war. He's not responsible for what Hitler did to the Jews, Dieter was only a kid then fleeing the bombing with his mother and sister and later fleeing the Russian. But being German seems to be enough for some people.

Of course we would get company on one of the few days I didn't make the bed. And of course Dieter, wanting to show A... all his antiques and silver took him to our bed room and then to the guest bedroom which has only a leather sleeper sofa. Well even the old man could figure out that we were sleeping together if he didn't already know. But then I think rumors have long ago swept through the building that we are gay.

And then later, A said "What are you all going to do for lunch? Do you want to come to my apartment for lunch?" Of course it was his way of inviting himself for lunch. Dieter said we usually eat cold cuts. And then in my mind I review all the cold cuts we had and there was nothing without pork. So I asked A... if he like pasta. He said that he didn't want me to go to any fuss.

I served raviolis stuffed with spinach and cheese topped with fresh ground parmesan cheese and dribbled  over it olive oil in which I had sautéed garlic and dried basil. The old man loved it and cleaned his plate! Now, let him say that I'm a bad cook. All in all we had a nice time. He even reached out and patted me on the arm affectionately.

Above is a couple of pictures of A.... examining one of Dieter's candle sticks. I really enjoyed cooking for the old man and watching him enjoy his meal. I love to cook for people. Having someone enjoy a meal I cook is the next best thing to having sex.

I'm sure that A... will drop by again. At least I think he will. And I hope he does.

Sunday 10:47PM 02/22/04

Believe it or not, I didn't watch a single science fiction move today. I played tennis with Ted this morning and practiced my serve alone this afternoon and in-between cleaned the apartment. Rich is coming tomorrow and I want every in order. I just decided that playing or practicing tennis was more construction than watching TV. Hell, I'm down below 200lbs and most of the weight lost is from playing tennis. Ok, so I have cut back on what I pop into my mouth. I want to lose 20 more lbs by the end of this coming summer. I just hope my knees hold out. I can hardly get down on my knees it hurts so much. Hell, I would be hard pressed to give a blow job if I had to get down on my knees to do it.

I'm tired. My legs hurt, my knees ach and I ready for bed. But, I drug myself to the computer to write a few boring sentences. It amazes me that so many people read my journal. I'm honored, although I don't think my life is very exciting.

I going to try to get to the gym tomorrow afternoon. Don't know if I'll make it. Me, Dieter and Rich will probably have lunch at the Alibi after we pick him up at the airport. So by the time we get home it'll be about 3:00PM. Would love to get to the gym as I would enjoy seeing some new old men.

Today Ted and I were talking and I said that if something happened to Dieter, I wondered if I would look for another lover or try to live by myself. I've never lived by myself before. Maybe I'll try it. I hope that I will not panic and grab the first old man that shows some interest in me. I do hope that I'll at least take my time! Still, I don't know if I can live alone. Oh, I guess time will answer the question one way or another. But, it did start me thinking. "What would it be like to live alone?" And for the first time in my life the thought did have some appeal.

I would certainly have to rely more on the website without Dieter's income. But being alone I could make more videos and even travel to meet people that wanted to be in them. I could make as wild videos without feeling guilty. I would have more web cams. I would put one in the bedroom. Yes, I would make lots of changes. That is if I could live alone?

Tuesday 12:14PM 02/24/04

Dieter and I picked up Rich from the airport yesterday and then the three of us went to the Alibi for lunch. As usually there were lots of good looking old men eating lunch at the Alibi. Would have loved to have know some of them as there were lots of visitors from out of town.

After we got home I went to practice tennis for what good it did to day. Ted and I played real games and he beat me 2 games to 4. Oh, well, more practice I guess. We both got lots of exercise and that what counts. Ted says that lots of the gay men play tennis. I hope he's right, but so far my game is too bad to play with any of them. And some are to die for they are so good looking and butch. Ted says that sooner or later we'll find some of these old men that like to play around. I don't really know what type of guys Ted likes. He say around his age or older. He's 58.

Dieter and Rich are out shopping. I think I'll take Rich to the gym this afternoon. I want to go to the sauna and will do so while he's exercising. I hope to see some of the old men that frequent the gym in the afternoons.

Invited Ted down for dinner tonight. Hell, just as easy to cook for four as it is three. Will make nothing special. Last night I served homemade Alfredo sauce with a touch of tarragon over pasta and shrimp (dropped the shrimp in the pasta water for 2 minutes after cooking the pasta). Was simply delicious.

I think the four of us are going to Dudes Friday night. Rich loves to go over and watch the go go boys while Dieter and I (and Ted) sit over at the piano bar. Seeing young guys naked is not my cup of tea. Seeing old men naked is!!! Need a bar with old men dancing! Hey anyone out there want to start such a bar? I think it would be a great hit here in Fort Lauderdale! Oh well it was a thought. I have always wanted to open a bar for mature men with mature bartenders and hey, a couple of 60 and 70 year olds dancing  while showing my videos in the background would be icing on the cake! Anyone willing to finance such an enterprise? . . . Didn't think so. It's time like this when deep pockets is desirable. Oh well, they say money isn't everything. Don't know  if that saying is true or not since I never had any. Reach your hands in my pockets and you'll get your fingers bitten off by bill collectors. Oh, rich or poor, live goes on.

Tuesday 10:24PM 02/24/04

Well I did get to the gym late this afternoon and it was great. Saw at least seven old men naked! I went with Rich and while he was riding the stationary bicycle, I was in the sauna. Just before I went in two guys that knew one another went inside. One was tall and skinny with a long (cut of course) dick and smaller balls. The other one had very small dick and big beautiful balls. But he was gorgeous! Not too skinny, not too chubby, with a beautiful, kind grandfather face. He looked about 65yo. God! Did he make my heart quicken! When I first looked at him sitting down I couldn't see his dick head only his large balls. After a while he reached down and pulled his little dick head (cut) on top of his balls. And then a skinny old man with a large belly came in. He has a huge dick head (again cut). I would have loved to have played with his thick dick for while.

Two more guys came in but they were wearing their bathing suits. But as I sitting next to the door I saw a slim in shape old man that looked to be about 60 toweling off. He had an uncut dick (surprise) and it was nice as were his balls. He saw me looking at him and didn't even blink as he took his time to dry himself off. He was a little to good looking for me and I wasn't turned on by him solid white, well trimmed goatee and moustache. Just didn't appeal to me, but hey it was nice to watch him. It was fun gym experience!

Tonight I told Ted to come down for dinner. I wanted him to meet Rich. It was fun. I didn't go to any fuss just served a big pan of lasagna that I bought at Costco and made some very tasty garlic bread. It was nice. Now I'm tried as me and Dieter and Rich went swimming late this afternoon. And tomorrow I'll play tennis with Ted. Then later the three of us going to the Silver Pond for lunch. From there I have to go to the post office to mail some videos and pick up more orders (thanks you, thank you). Of course I try to take a peek in at the bathroom near the Silver Fox Restaurant in the Coral Ridge Mall. You just never know who's going to be inside the bathroom with their dick in their hand!

Thursday 8:34 02/26/04

Damn, has it been two day since I made an entry in the journal. Well, time she is fleeting. I guess Wednesday was just to busy. I played tennis with Ted. The skinny little shit beat me 6 games to 1. That's shameful! Got to practice more.

Then Me, Dieter and Rich met Sal and Erwin at the Silver Pond Chinese Restaurant on state rd 7 just north of Commercial Blvd. on the west side of state rd. 7 (the second pink strip mall south of Commercial Blvd.)

The food was great and I always love meeting with Sal and Erwin. They are such lovely people. Totally different. Sal is the talker and Erwin the listener (until he has something to say). And the bicker with one anther like and old married couple. Very nice people!

Then Me, Rich and Dieter and I went to Fort Lauderdale. They to shop (well the Rich did the shopping) and me to the post office to mail orders. And I tell you not . . . my PO Box was stuffed with new orders. THANK YOU!

Of course since I was alone I stopped by the restroom near the Silver Fox Cafe. And sure enough I found an old man at the urinal. He was one of those light skin old men with solid white hair. I would say he was about 68. His dick head was pink and uncut. Very nice. But I couldn't enjoy a moment alone with the old man because some one else came in. At least I got to see his nice dick.

This morning Ted called and said it was too wet out to play tennis. So after breakfast I went to practice against the board in court 8. Well I had no more than started when an old man about 74 came in and asked if I wanted to hit a few with him. I said wasn't any good and that he probably wouldn't want to hit with me. The old man just shrugged and said, "then you can go back to hitting the board if it doesn't work out." Well, I didn't have a choice so I walked over to the opposite side of the court and we started to hit the ball back and forth. And I didn't do so bad. Even the old man said. "You not so bad." He said his name was S. and he asked if I lived down here all year around and I told him I did. Then he asked if I was married or single. I told him I was single but had moved in to the condo with a friend. I didn't say male or female and he didn't ask. The old man was nice looking. He was in good shape and about my height. I think meeting people at the tennis courts might be more productive in the long run than those that I met in the gym. I certainly hope to see the old man again. I learned a lot from watching him hit the ball. I think, I'll be much better the next time I play Ted because of my experience with the old tennis player.

Rich and I went to the gym after lunch. He road the bicycle while I went straight to the sauna. Both of the old men that were sitting side by side in the sauna the other day was there, but unfortunately the good looking, drop dead hansom one was getting dressed. But I did sit in the sauna with the tall one. I got to stare at the old man's long cut dick and his small but low hanging balls for about fifteen minutes. And as I was sitting in the sauna I got to see a slim grandfather looking old man with a nice dick and balls. Damn, that tall slim grandpa can jump in my bed any old time. It was a short but fun visit to the gym.

Later, about five, the three of us went swimming and Ted came by. We all had a nice chat. I think the four of us might go to Dudes tomorrow night. Maybe even out to dinner later. Rich is meeting one of his online fantasy men at dudes . . . we'll see how it goes.

That's about all folks.

Saturday 9:19AM 02/28/04

Can't believe that I've missed another day posting. But then not much has been happening. Played tennis yesterday and bruised my foot, so playing or practicing today is out of the question. Didn't go to the gym. But, me, Dieter, Rich and Ted did go to Dudes last night. Rich was to meet this 50 something guy from Hollywood, FL that he had connected with on a dating service called ManHunt or something like that. We got there about 7:15 a little late as he was suppose to meet the guy (Jim, I think) at 7:00. I ordered drinks, red wine for me and Dieter and O'Douls for Rich and Ted. Rich had showed me a picture of the guy he was to meet on the computer. But neither of us recognized anyone, so Rich went looking through the crowded bar to see if he could spot his (blind) date. No luck. But close to 8:00PM someone came in that looked like he might be the guy. It turned out it was him and he seemed nice. He and Rich took a table so they could talk in private.

Rich had asked me earlier in the week (when he showed me the picture of the guy) if it would be OK for me, Dieter and him to meet the guy for lunch. I said no that I wasn't interested in meeting someone I didn't know for lunch. That he should meet anyone he intended to meet from ManHunt in a bar and make private plans with them. And the reason I told him that is because Dieter and I like our privacy and don't want to be thrown together with strangers that someone else meets on an online dating service in a private setting or in our own apartment.

Well, we all had planned to come back to the apartment for a late dinner after Dudes. I thought that Rich's ManHunt date might invite him to his place or to some other private setting, but that wasn't the case. Rich was ready to go when I told him that we were all heading home. On the way home he said the guy said he would get in touch with Rich later.

Shawn is coming by today to take Rich shopping. Great as I hate shopping. Dieter likes to go but he enjoys staying home ever more. I'm sure that Rich wants to be on the go more than Dieter and I are willing to go. Ted took him to Boca yesterday and today he out with Shawn. So I guess he's having fun.

Anyway, we all had fun eating and chatting during our late dinner. Ted is such a nice friendly man. Dieter and I are lucky to have him as a neighbor.

I hear Rich stirring to life so I had better start setting the table for breakfast.